Footage of Essendon recruitment manager leaked

Footage of one of Essendon's high-powered recruiting team who had advised the club against selecting Cyril Rioli in last year's National Draft has been leaked onto the Internet. The video [see below] of the recruitment manager (whose name has been withheld for legal reasons), which can also be accessed from youtube, seems to have been taken somewhere near Flagstaff Station, on Melbourne's underground rail line The Loop.

Rioli, a star in Hawthorn's stunning victory over Geelong in last week's Grand Final, drifted as far as pick #12 at the draft table. Hawthorn recruiting manager Chris Pelchen recalled that he could hardly control his excitement when it came time to read out his club's prized first round selection.

"I tried to stifle my laughter by coughing and I guess I got away with it at the time," he told I-Footy. "It was like being the last kid to put his hand into a mixed bag of lollies at a party and finding that no one has taken the false teeth."

Essendon, who participates in the Dream Time game, an annual celebration of indigenous culture and the contribution of aboriginal footballers to Australian Rules, was thought to have passed on Rioli as the club already had a sufficient quota of highly skilled indigenous footballers such as Leroy Jeter, Andrew Lovett, Alwyn Davey and Paddy Ryder. Rioli, is the nephew of Norm Smith medal winners Maurice Rioli and Michael Long, a former Bomber champion.

Eleven other clubs including Essendon passed on the talented flanker who was nominated for both goal of the year and mark of the year, led the Hawks' tackle count and finished second in the prestigious Rising Star award. Fremantle's Rhys Palmer was declared the winner. The same panel who vote on the rookie award made Cameron Mooney an All Australian in 2007.

Vossy Gives Head Coaching Role a Bash

Michael Voss, a man famous for not accepting the limitations imposed on him by others has instead elected to impose his limitations on the Brisbane Lions football club by accepting the position of head coach.

Monday’s shock resignation of Leigh Matthews left the door open and the triple premiership former captain was quick to abandon his two week old job at West Coast to jamb his foot in the door. A shell shocked Brisbane board, still in a tail spin after a 4th consecutive year of failing to make the finals, duly made the appointment 24hrs later.

It was in 2007 that Voss made his infamous statement about limitations amidst speculations he would apply for a senior coaching role despite not have any experience whatsoever. Ultimately he suffered a crisis of confidence and declined to put his name forward, choosing instead to hone his coaching skills by sitting alongside such luminary football intellects as Anthony Hudson and Robert Walls on the Channel 10 commentary team.

Looking forwards, Voss’ trademark shit eating grin will be tested to its utmost during the 2009 season as he tries to turn around the fortunes of a club that is still overly reliant on the aging stars of its premiership era. Rumour has it that Voss spent the summer coaching his twin daughters Casey and Kayley in their under 12s netball comp. If true, this experience with pre-teen girls could be invaluable in coaxing the best out of players like Travis Johnstone and Ashley McGrath.

For the general football public the appointment of Voss as coach is excellent news. It ensures the Lions will experience a sustained period of mediocrity, and more importantly, viewers won’t have to watch Voss (a man whose neck is even thicker than his head) being stuffed uncomfortably into a tailored suit. Voss will join his fellow ex players in their natural state of dress, the club tracksuit as he faces the press conference explaining another 100 point loss.

Demons dominate nominations, nothing else

Morton not getting carried away

Melbourne earned itself a third nomination for the coveted Rising Star award with Cale Morton, pick number #4 overall in last year's national draft, after he amassed 30 disposals, most of them effective, in Saturday's victory against struggling West Coast at the Melbourne Cricket Ground.

Considered undersized in his first season of AFL, Morton has nevertheless been one of the few shining lights in 2008 for the Demons. West Coast coach John Worsfold could not find an answer to the skinny flanker, after having played most of his seasoned professionals out of position for most of the day.

Morton, nevertheless, did what he liked in a display reminiscent of former Red Leg midfielder Stephen Tingay. Fortunately Morton's display took place during a game.

The youngest of three brothers and the one who looks most interested each and every week, Morton came to the makeshift oval the Demons have been temporarily calling their training base for the past two decades, with big raps last season although Richmond and West Coast both chose to overlook him at the draft table. Alongside Austin Wonaeamirri, voted the second most popular indigenous player in the league (after Essenson's Alwyn Davey) and Colin Garland, an athletic defender not likely to figure in anyone's inspiration reel, Morton represents the next generation of Melbourne's future - a future long promised since Rod Grinter was shown the door.

Meanwhile, older brother of Cale, Mitch Morton delivered one of his better games for the season after he toweled up a lackluster Hawthorn outfit, apparently deterred by the shifting surface of the MCG. According to ladder position Hawthorn are finals bound.

I WAS SET UP - GRANT

North Melbourne bad boy Shannon Grant has accused a woman who goes by the same name of being responsible for the drunken violent outburst which saw a row of portable toilets, some of which were still occupied by patrons, toppled over at a recent family golf day, a packed media throng was told earlier today at Arden Street.

The hushed media contingent which had been asked to huddle into a dugout that doubles for a conference centre at the dilapidated Kangaroos headquarters, were shown damning security footage of a “rotund female” who it is claimed had been drinking excessively for three days at the Richmond Club Hotel before involving herself in a wild bar brawl with one of the hotel’s managers. It is claimed that Miss Grant, 37, of Wheeler’s Hill, then drove down to Ocean Grove where the Kangaroos were thanking sponsors and supporters with an open day at a Golf Course.

The murky footage shows the woman dressed in a Kangaroos Guernsey baring the number “6” the same number Grant wears, pushing over the toilets as if they were “dominos and she was Godzilla,” reporter and closet Kangaroos fanboy Mike Sheahan said.

Grant, whose own form has been ridiculed this season, is understood to have been out late that evening, with former teammate Mick Martyn.

“Hey, so what? Mick’s ugly and needs a wingman to land a girl,” Grant told reporters. “I do what I can even if it takes all night.”

Returning the media back to the video footage, Grant pointed to the woman’s breasts and backside, claiming a contrast between his own aging body and that of Miss Grant. Reporters could not see any.

“Quite clearly,” Grant said, “she is not me and I am not her.”

This is not the first time a case of mistaken identity has caused shockwaves through the football community. Stan Alves, then coaching St. Kilda in 1996, attempted to play Darrel Wakelin, in the place of twin brother Shane, during a home and away game, what’s more, without rhyme or reason. St. Kilda has not won a premiership in 42 years.

HUTCHISON PUT ON NOTICE

'Hutchy'(l) - 'He's lookin' at ya!'

News just to hand: Craig “Hutchy” Hutchison has reportedly been put on notice by Channel Nine, for his untoward behaviour on the hard hitting football panel show Footy Classified. The network, who hired the notorious gutter journalist after he was sacked by rival station Channel 7 in 2005, has reacted strongly to repeated viewer complaints that Hutchison had been “undressing guests with his eyes” a producer from the show who wanted to remain unnamed has revealed to I-Footy.

Hutchison who had been put on notice for “gaze-fucking” late last year has allegedly breached a condition in his newly amended contract, which states:

“Under no circumstances is a panel member to engage with any guest on the show in a manner which suggests physical, verbal or even wordless sexual interest, fascination or perversion.”

It is understood that Hutchison has walked a fine line in recent times by openly flaunting the rule with co-host Garry Lyon, who as an employee does not constitute a breach of the contractual obligation. However, with guest star Nathan Brown in the hot seat this week Hutchison has been accused of “repeated eye-goggling, smirking in a flirtatious manner and indulging in behavior deemed unbecoming of a professional TV personality with a perceived heterosexual profile.”

This represents another humiliating setback in 2008 for Hutchison, who in a bid to boost flagging public interest, shaved his hair in an attempt to conceal a receding hairline an industry stylist referred to as the “Gaza Strip.” A recent poll of 1000 viewers confirmed that over 92% believed the new look was a disaster with another five percent requesting that Hutchison be banned from all media broadcasting.

Meanwhile, co-host Garry Lyon, the former captain of the Melbourne Demons and long time friend of Hutchison has just signed a six-figure deal with the new confectionary label Mustard Jis. Although the terms of the agreement have not yet been finalised it has been confirmed that Lyon will appear in a series of TV and radio advertisements promoting the company’s latest product, an arse-flavoured lollipop.

Richmond sack Miller!

Rabid Tigers fans celebrate!

Scenes of unparalleled jubilation spread across Richmond and Jolimont as the Richmond Football Club fans celebrated the 'controversial' sacking of 'controversial' football-operation manager Greg Miller on the weekend. Miller was off holidaying at Tahiti and checking his investments in the north Melbourne Football Club, and the sacking was 'amicable'. But Tigers fans couldn't be happier, says Muhammed Allah Muhammad from Richmond: "It is with great pride that the Miller aggression is stopped dead! Now we win football, look on weekend. We bit the Bombers and we bit the Lions of Zion! Alla Akbar! Go Tigers! Bowden is great!". Jose Sanchez from East Burnley had other things to say: "I always knew Miller was a bum. All he did was recruit Carey, who turned out a bum and didn't even play for us. Bums attract bums, now to get rid of bloody Richo the bloody bum!"

Noted Miller critic Caroline Wilson wasn't available for comment as she was getting her braces removed.

My team are idiots!

Things that are true about this year's footy season:

1. Essendon are shit
2. Richmond are shitter
3. Melbourne are even shitter
4. Carlton are even shitter than Melbourne.
5. West Coast are shit (yay!)
6. St.Kilda are shit and still won't win a flag!
7. Barracking for Carlton in the 'Naughties' is turning me into Wayne Carey's dad (I drank 1/4 bottle of fake-Absinthe and two Coopers and we still lose)

My team are idiots! *burp* *ar..fuck off ya stupid cunt! rahrahrah etc..etc *