Terry Wallace releases rock album!

Featuring hit single 'You shouldn't take it so hard'

Less than 24 hours after the worst season opener in recent AFL memory, avid inner city rock music collector Dave Betterscotch found a remarkable lost artifact from Richmond coach Terry Wallace's pre-Richmond career.

Before he convinced the Richmond board and legion fans of his '5 year plan', Wallace was actually moonlighting as a pub-rock musician! Betterscotch couldn't believe what he found when rummaging through the racks at 'Richmond Second Hand' while catching a souvlaki in between sets at a secret Living End gig at the Corner Hotel. 'Mate I was sifting through all this crap like the last Tex Perkins record, when I saw what looked like a Keith Richards solo record, and found this beauty - TALK IS CHEAP by Terry Wallace. It was only 5 bucks!'

Wallace has gone underground since the insipid defeat to Carlton, and ridiculous call to keep Ben Cousins on the park whilst carrying an injury. On closer inspection of the record seems to say what Wallace can't. With song titles like 'Don't take it so hard', 'Struggle' and 'Make no mistake' we wonder if he might pull this lost masterpiece out of his cupboard as a pre-game warm-up to get his forlorn players motivated against a primed Geelong at Ford Stadium next week.

Cousins Requests Media Ban on Season Opener

Still shattered after being forced to grant Channel 10 an interview on the eve of the season opener, the increasingly precious Ben Cousins has requested that Channel 10 not film him during Thursday night’s game. His manager, Ricky ‘tram rammer’ Nixon was left with the job of explaining this startling request.

“Ben Cousins just wants to be left alone to work through his recovery and play football. We don’t think its helpful for him to be subjected to such intense media scrutiny and I think it’s a bit much for him to be expected to play footy with upwards of 12 TV cameras following his every more.”

When asked how fans were supposed to follow the game on TV if the cameras were banned from the game Nixon admitted there were some problems to work through.

“Clearly there will have to be compromise on both sides, I am merely stating Cousins’s starting position as he relayed it to me at 3.00am this morning. Obviously there will be a few people who might want to watch the other 43 players running around and we are working through that issue. Maybe Cousins could take the field in a tent ala Libby Trickett at her wedding. Or maybe the fans could wait for his documentary to come out which I know will contain footage of the match. Look, it might be as simple as him being kitted out in attire that will let him remain anonymous. These are details we will have to work through with the AFL, the AFLPA and Channel 10. Now if you excuse me I have a tram to catch...”

Never in recent memory has a match between two such mediocre clubs been so keenly anticipated and as footy fans we can only hope that some sort of reasonable compromise will be reached. Cousins' documentary, The Agony and the Ecstasy – My Awesome Footballing Life is expected to be released later this year.

Dipper resolves Middle East crisis with beer

Peace ambassador Robert 'Dipper' DiPierdomenico hits the the UN bar with an Irish diplomat.


In the lead up to the 2009 AFL season Channel 7 compensated those footy fans without a Friday night watering hole, with Essence of the Game. An epic documentary that traversed continents, competitions, clubs and finally taste, Essence of the Game, ritually slaughtered the best understated qualities of Australian Rules, such as unspoken camaraderie, graceful feats of athleticism and brutal physicality and replaced it, at every chance with bromides of nostalgia, indulgent mythos and the disastrous emoting of Shane Crawford. His voiceover, recorded for naturalistic effect could not have been more artificial.

Neo-liberal values to its core, ambition beyond its feeble grasp, Essence of the Game played like a celluloid enema. In short it had Bruce McAvaney’s paw prints all over it.

Footy rivalries from the suburbs to the country were depicted in this adventurous chronicle that at times suggested one of those sprawling WWII sagas that suffer under the weight of its distracting ensemble cast. Talk about The Longest Day.

The producers had even paid a cameraman to go out to West Coburg. Random images of bored spectators were spliced together with the conflicts taking place on the ground, which, if you’ve ever been to West Coburb, resembles more of corridor than an oval. It makes Glenferrie look like Subiaco. It’s a proud club with equally striking supporters. Anyone who has ever attended a West Coburb game knows what I mean. And if you ever find yourself near Melville Road on a Saturday afternoon you’ll find a real fan with more to say of interest than any of the network free-to-air boundary riders. His name is Cranky and he was nowhere to be seen in Essence of the Game.

Perhaps the nadir or highlight of the program, depending on whether you too lost your weed supply in the Victorian bushfires, came with the footage of the Peace Team, whose fearsome line up in the World Cup series comprised the combined forces of Palestine and Israel. The mastermind behind this operation was Dipper, that diplomat of Middle Eastern foreign policy. Having not scored for three quarters against a Great Britain side which was a modest 145 points to the good, Peace Team, seem unable to click as a cohesive unit. What could it be? Is it lack of height in the backline? Maybe it’s their deficiency in forward 50 entries? At the behest of the coach who would likely eat the elephant in the room rather than acknowledge it, Peace Team are encouraged during a less than inspiring final huddle, to score – at any cost. Dipper doesn’t care who it is and how it’s done. He’ll even buy the individual a beer. Team spirit is overrated anyway.

In the tradition for Lou Richards and Jack Dyer, i-footy predicts..

Master G's ladder prediction for 2009.

Only 4 sleeps until the year starts proper ie. footy is back! Once again we all live in hope that
those crappy players that have played nearly 100 games finally get their act together and lay a
crucial tackle, kick a crucial goal or tag out a decent opponent to help win a game. That's all
you can hope for when your team hasn't played finals footy for nearly 10 years, and you have suffered the ignominy of being beaten by lousier but luckier teams over that period of time!

So here it is, my ladder predictions for 2009 (i-footy advises you to not gamble any money based on these predictions and takes no responsibility if you do!)

1. Geelong - as long as they don't smoke too many bongs and over-do the handballs the Cats should still be better than most other teams.

yet, 2. Hawthorn - well their forward line is just too potent, and will be that way for a fair few years, how old is Buddy this year? 22? The mind boggles, but their defence is getting older and fatter, teams will just have to out score them I suppose.

3. Port Adelaide - they got Tredrea and Cornes back and they weren't that far off the beat last year. But don't fear, they'll be shit the next year when those guys retire.

4. Richmond - well Wallace's 5 year plan has now arrived. They have the cattle and an aging core of champions to show the way, as well as 'the smartest coach in the league' Terry Wallace, what can go wrong? Either way this finish is a poisoned chalice. Wallace will get re-signed for a few years for his 'success', Richo and crew will retire, and Richmond supporters will feel like they're back in the 90s, with Wallace still as coach

5. Footscray Bulldogs - I don't rate them but they are better than North and a few other teams.

6. Freo - don't underestimate the most mediocre team in the league. North have been doing it the past few years, so now it's Freo's turn. They have the best ruck and CHF in the league and some pacy new kids could get them up there. They smashed Carlton in a practice match so it's gotta mean something?

7. Adelaide - they are robots and always win enough to make the finals. No doubt they will do it again this year.

8. Carlton - while they don't have the team 'on paper' like Richmond do, their midfield is good enough to win a few games off their own boots except for Fev. They could be top four if guys like Houlihan, Russell, Fisher, Cloke and Hadley get their games on, but still have to beat Sydney, St.Kilda, Adelaide and Geelong to prove 'we are coming'...

9. Collingwood - they will probably engineer their way into the top 4, but I hope they miss out this year just to prove Caroline Wilson right about El-Prez Eddie Maguire and for the bloodthirsty fans to turn on him like some Shakespearian tragedy!

10 . St. Kilda - well the economic downturn will be affecting the price of cocaine in the Southern suburbs, so the swagger will soon turn to torpor, remember these guys have taken on the Swans 'shitfooty' role that has kept them in the 8 with their coach who has to be one of the biggest Bozos in the chair since Damien Drum coached Freo! Hopefully this is the year they start becoming like the 'old St.Kilda' from the 80s!

11. Sydney - whilst they still might 'shit football' their way back into the top 8, I hope they don't, just to bury this era of 'chip-chip' shitfooty-tempo-playing these cocksuckers invented and won a flag with. And I'm still waiting for the Baz Hall Mardi-Gras float!

12. Brisbane - shouldn't have sacked Lethal so early in the piece. They will learn the stupidity of their sun-tanned ways as they become more of a 'one man' team and easier to beat. I'm not shedding any tears!

13. North Melbourne - the 'shinboner' spirit seems ready to crack. Sure they've brought back Australia's favourite wife basher and best mates-wife-bonker - 'the king' Wayne Carey - to help coach them, but teams that live in the past do so coz they don't have a future.

14. Essendon - have gone from looking like cops to playing like cops. They are still dreaming of the Dreamtime via their pacy Aboriginal brigade, but sheesh when they lose Lloyd, Lucas and Fletcher pretty soon, they could very well become the lousiest Victorian team since St.Kilda in the 80s (or Carlton in the 00s!)!

15. West Coast - the come down from nearly a decade of drug highs is still continuing and may take a few more years to fully detox.

16. Melbourne - Joe Gutnick, you're still out there?

TEN GOES UNDERWOOD IN A BID TO MAKE HISTORY

Got wood?

The Ben Cousins media circus pitches its tent at the not-so-hallowed turf of the Docklands Stadium tonight where a capacity crowd and one fast tracked female football commentator will witness the high profile recruit run out for the first time in a match proper for Richmond. Kelli Underwood, the Rosa Parks of AFL media, having refused to languish on the sidelines as a boundary rider, will alongside Bearded Lady, Robert Walls, Pinhead, Stephen Quartermain and Dwarf, Anthony Hudson share her battle weary insights into what it takes to win a premiership, recall the gutbusting toil running sprints in knee deep water during a preseason and what it’s like to crash a car sauced to the eyeballs with members of the Shaw clan.

Underwood, who called the final quarter of an Essendon and Carlton game three years ago for 3AW, the radio station then embroiled in controversy after it was revealed that its star Rex Hunt had been caught performing lewd acts on street walkers in alley ways after his wife recovered from cancer, debuted for the Ten Network last weekend by calling the action of the Adelaide and Geelong NAB Cup encounter.

A poll conducted in The Age, the newspaper that somehow deciphers the crayon scrawl of Collingwood columnist Jake Niall on a weekly basis, supported Underwood’s debut by fixing a poll of its (female) readers 60-40 in favour of Underwood’s performance, a performance that required her to muster words like “sensational,” and turns of phrase such as “offline, for a minor score.”

Rhetoric inspired a copy editor to surmise that the poll results indicated, “how the appearance of women commentators in male sports tends to provoke a reaction.”
The piece did not go on to stipulate what kind of reaction.

The destinies of Cousins and Underwood appear to be somewhat intertwined as both look to reinvent themselves this season. It is not known exactly what roles the two will play in their respective positions tonight or for how long they will be asked to perform.

The history making Underwood, 31, is likely to see more air time as Network 10 unveils its 24 hour digital sports channel later in the year. Luke Darcy has already been confirmed to helm its Netball coverage.

Tim Lane, the “most boring human being in the history of the world,” according to toilet graffiti at the Great Britain Hotel, introduced Underwood prior to her first NAB Cup broadcast as the progeny of a sports loving family and a journalist who had earned her stripes. Although it is not yet known how Underwood earned those same stripes at least we know it wasn’t because her daddy worked in the same industry.

Footage of Essendon recruitment manager leaked

Footage of one of Essendon's high-powered recruiting team who had advised the club against selecting Cyril Rioli in last year's National Draft has been leaked onto the Internet. The video [see below] of the recruitment manager (whose name has been withheld for legal reasons), which can also be accessed from youtube, seems to have been taken somewhere near Flagstaff Station, on Melbourne's underground rail line The Loop.

Rioli, a star in Hawthorn's stunning victory over Geelong in last week's Grand Final, drifted as far as pick #12 at the draft table. Hawthorn recruiting manager Chris Pelchen recalled that he could hardly control his excitement when it came time to read out his club's prized first round selection.

"I tried to stifle my laughter by coughing and I guess I got away with it at the time," he told I-Footy. "It was like being the last kid to put his hand into a mixed bag of lollies at a party and finding that no one has taken the false teeth."

Essendon, who participates in the Dream Time game, an annual celebration of indigenous culture and the contribution of aboriginal footballers to Australian Rules, was thought to have passed on Rioli as the club already had a sufficient quota of highly skilled indigenous footballers such as Leroy Jeter, Andrew Lovett, Alwyn Davey and Paddy Ryder. Rioli, is the nephew of Norm Smith medal winners Maurice Rioli and Michael Long, a former Bomber champion.

Eleven other clubs including Essendon passed on the talented flanker who was nominated for both goal of the year and mark of the year, led the Hawks' tackle count and finished second in the prestigious Rising Star award. Fremantle's Rhys Palmer was declared the winner. The same panel who vote on the rookie award made Cameron Mooney an All Australian in 2007.

Vossy Gives Head Coaching Role a Bash

Michael Voss, a man famous for not accepting the limitations imposed on him by others has instead elected to impose his limitations on the Brisbane Lions football club by accepting the position of head coach.

Monday’s shock resignation of Leigh Matthews left the door open and the triple premiership former captain was quick to abandon his two week old job at West Coast to jamb his foot in the door. A shell shocked Brisbane board, still in a tail spin after a 4th consecutive year of failing to make the finals, duly made the appointment 24hrs later.

It was in 2007 that Voss made his infamous statement about limitations amidst speculations he would apply for a senior coaching role despite not have any experience whatsoever. Ultimately he suffered a crisis of confidence and declined to put his name forward, choosing instead to hone his coaching skills by sitting alongside such luminary football intellects as Anthony Hudson and Robert Walls on the Channel 10 commentary team.

Looking forwards, Voss’ trademark shit eating grin will be tested to its utmost during the 2009 season as he tries to turn around the fortunes of a club that is still overly reliant on the aging stars of its premiership era. Rumour has it that Voss spent the summer coaching his twin daughters Casey and Kayley in their under 12s netball comp. If true, this experience with pre-teen girls could be invaluable in coaxing the best out of players like Travis Johnstone and Ashley McGrath.

For the general football public the appointment of Voss as coach is excellent news. It ensures the Lions will experience a sustained period of mediocrity, and more importantly, viewers won’t have to watch Voss (a man whose neck is even thicker than his head) being stuffed uncomfortably into a tailored suit. Voss will join his fellow ex players in their natural state of dress, the club tracksuit as he faces the press conference explaining another 100 point loss.