Doggies skipper sues Hollywood heartthrob

Johnno B Goode

In an unprecedented week of legal turmoil involving AFL footballers and celebrities it has been revealed to I-Footy that Western Bulldogs captain Brad Johnson has brought a lawsuit against contemporary big screen icon Matt Damon. The two, who became close while Damon was in Melbourne scouting locations for The Bourne Ultimatum, have fallen out after it has been claimed that “subtle use of Johnson’s shit-eating grin by Damon in Ocean’s Thirteen infringes on a word-of-mouth agreement shared by the former friends” a New York tribunal heard today.

The case is being built around what insiders are calling Damon’s “illegal use of Johnson’s happy-go-lucky image” which, has itself, been tested in recent times after the Bulldogs slumped to a series of losses and a draw at their home ground, Telstra Dome. Former Bulldogs midfielder Angelo Petraglia told an empty press conference at Werribee Oval where he often drinks, that the club had been concerned with their media image ever since several players agreed to appear in a TV advertisement with no foreseeable or redeeming qualities.

“I know I have nothin’ to do with the club anymore but I watch TV” Petraglia said. “Those Peter Jackson ads are abysmal and it has been reflected in the form of the boys this year.”

With exception to Ryan Hargreave whose own 2007 form has miraculously improved, the other cast members to appear in the advertisement have been close to woeful especially during games telecast on free-to-air TV. Daniel Giansiracusa, Jordan McMahon, Adam Cooney and Daniel Cross have even stooped to using the insipid whoring of their image on TV as an excuse for the Western Bulldogs recent poor performances. Petraglia wasn’t having any of it.

“I mean c’mon, Collingwood made that Rexona ad last year and it made The Castle look watchable” he said. “Either way Malthouse hasn’t let it drag them down and they’re going to play finals this season which is something you can’t say of us.”

Rumours that the league had secretly been witch hunting bad actors since the early ‘80s have also resurfaced. Petraglia refused to deny that an official inquiry into “soulless theatrics” was likely by year’s end.

“No one remembers Brian Wilson right?” Petraglia said. “Forget the Beach Boys nutter, the number seven at Melbourne when I played was the worst performer in front of either a camera or umpire for a long, long time.”

Wilson, whose reputation for hamming it up was legend in underground AFL circles, was widely regarded as the grandfather to the modern movement of the diving goal square goon now personified by the likes of Matthew Lloyd. Other actors schooled in this technique include Kayne Pettifer at Richmond and the entire Fremantle forward line.

Despite the Bulldogs sitting outside the top eight the Peter Jackson commercials continue to screen to critical disapproval. Writing in The Monthly Helen Garner called the five-minute long segments, “dull and devoid of charisma.” Age reviewer Jim Schembri, however, disagreed, noting that the vernacular use of “Gia” and “Jordy” expressed a special male bonding that was “missing from my life.”

Sources closer to the club were not yet swayed by the critics. In a recent poll asked of Vietnamese loitering outside the Western Oval, four out of five of the young men quizzed on the spot said they never read Schembri despite his blatant populist leanings. Even so, Petraglia wants the TV spots pulled before the Bulldogs have their own Jonathan Hay on their hands.

“You would have thought they were smoking the Peter Jackson’s” Petraglia said. “ the way they get around. There’s nothing like a well dressed loser either. Have you seen the gear Ian Healy gets around in?”

Meanwhile the Johnson vs Damon suit has taken on another twist after it was revealed that Damon had also got drunk at Crown Casino with prominent St. Kilda defender Leigh Fischer during his short visit to Melbourne. Forensics were analysing evidence suggesting that Fischer’s physiognomy was far closer in resemblance to Damon’s rather than Johnson’s. I-Footy will update the situation as news comes to hand.

Leigh Fisher's been to Bali too