Chocko gesture a dedication to the departed

Chocko waving away a self-delivered pungent odour

Port Adelaide Power coach Mark Williams has thrown down a daunting challenge to the other seven coaches he may do battle with in this year’s AFL finals series. Having out-coached Mark Thompson by psyching out his opposite number in a series of projections concerning the Geelong Football Club and its ticking time bomb forward Cam Mooney, Williams is now directing his attention to the likes of John Worsfold, Adrian Clarkson and Mick Malthouse, all of whom he reckons he can “mindfuck at his leisure” in September.

The Cats, whose 14 game winning streak was brought to an end last week at Kardinia Park where the Power pinched the game while they’re travelling supporters pinched wallets, have had their season thrown into turmoil by the anachronistic trash talking of Chocko. Williams who has little respect for his peers has been known to spit in the mirror, sometimes on match day.

“He’s a man possessed right now,” said a Port trainer who wanted to remain unidentified. “Last time we won the premiership he spat at his own image just before the big one.”

After the victory over the Brisbane Lions Williams was seen posing to the crowd, clutching at his necktie to mock knockers who had labelled his team for the previous four years as chokers who couldn’t cut it under the pressure of finals. It has been revealed, however, that the gesture was in fact a tribute to Williams’ late friend Michael Hutchence. According to the Port trainer Williams hadn’t had the appropriate forum in which to dedicate the inspiration he had channelled from the late INXS frontman.

“A full house really brought it out of him” the trainer said. “For years he had motivated the players with the album Kick and got nothing. He didn’t play it that day. Hell that’s why Damian Hardwick was so angry in the first quarter. Mark felt he owed it to Hutch when they won. After all sometimes people are more conspicuous by their absence rather than their presence.”

Gould no longer angry over Wenham movie

Channel Nine NRL commentator Phil Gould has finally reconciled the fact that he will never be as iconic as Ray ‘Rabbits’ Warren. Gould was said to have acknowledged the fact while unwinding during the week with the AFI award winning movie The Boys.

In the 1998 movie starring David Wenham, Anthony Hayes who plays the younger brother of a violent brood of western suburbs Sydney scumbags improvises a memorable take on Warren’s hyper-excited commentary, what’s more, reciting a passage of play bound to bring tear to the eye of most diehard Balmain supporters. So impressed was Gould by the ‘bit’ he approached The Boys co-star John Polson who is also the founder of Tropfest, the largest short film contest in the Southern Hemisphere. It is believed that Gould asked Polson to do the same for him in a movie. Polson, having no talent, could not accommodate Gould who when in full flight with a microphone has been known to scare small children and Nine sideline commentator Matthew Johns.

Despite this Polson and Gould are now collaborating on a short film that Gould has written and plans to act in. Polson at this stage is slated to direct.

The former NSW coach and Penrith legend had been working on a project for several years a bartender at the Rooty Hill RSL where Gould drinks, claimed.

“Gus began writing a novel but then Sophie Lee sort of stole his thunder there” the barkeep said. “So he’s taking the best scenes and turning them into a narrative short.”

Known to talk shit for hours to anyone who will listen, Gould, it is estimated, has compiled over 150 hours of material dictated into a digital recorder. Much of it is rumoured to be about Warren, who Gould has become “somewhat obsessed with” an industry insider told I-Footy. It is believed that the infatuation prompted Warren to question Gould’s humanity on air during last Friday night clash between West Tigers and Sydney City in which the Roosters won in extra time.

“Some of us are only human” Warren said. “But I don’t know about you Phil.”

Warren is justified in asking the question given the lurid content of Gould’s film. Titled Always Bet on Water Getting Wet, the short is an apparent analogy for the deteriorating relationship of the two Nine commentators and something of a vanity project. Here is an excerpt faxed to I-Footy by an anonymous source:

OVER BLACK
A heartbeat is audible and rises in volume.

Fade-in: The camera moves into a light tower at the Sydney Football Stadium, where Gus, at first only a freckle against the horizon, surveys the city of Sydney. A cape billows behind the crouched figure, who is an image of stoicism, wisdom and primal sexuality. The camera continues to circle Gus from above.

GUS
(V/O)
In a city of six million people one
man served them like no other. He
captured their dreams, their fears and
tears like no other: That man’s name
was Gus. There is no one like him.

Cut to:

INT. HOUSE – DAY
The camera creeps down a corridor towards a bedroom. Gus sits on the edge of the bed talking to his trusty sidekick, a emerald green python.

GUS
You my old friend who has walked between
fire and ice with me in many battles, some of
them won, others lost, shall never abandon me.

The camera moves below Gus’s guts to reveal that the python doubles as his penis and vice versa. It coils around his waist and back again its tongue hissing the whole time.

Crossfade: The hissing becomes French fries cooking in hot oil at a diner. Sam Backo sits patiently reading the paper as Gus enters.

BACKO
You’re late.

GUS
(Sitting)
Look I don’t take these meetings lightly nor
for that matter should you. It’s about commitment
isn’t it Sam? It’s about commitment and the will to
survive. Do you realise I have a five foot long Daintree
Rain Forest Python for a penis? No? Do you know what
kind of responsibility comes with that? No? Be careful
what you wish for Backo!

Gus stands and whips out the python. Backo shovels a spoon of gravy into his mouth laconically. Fear registers on the faces of the diner’s patrons.

GUS
Every one get on the goddamn floor!

McAvaney goes five minutes without annoying rhetoric

Straight out of the horse's mouth - CLE-VAR!

During last Sunday’s anticlimactic grudge match between Essendon and Hawthorn at the Melbourne Cricket Ground, the site of both team’s brutal rivalry in three consecutive grand finals between 1983-1985, Bruce McAvaney while heading the broadcast of the game for Channel Seven, lasted nearly five whole minutes without asking a rhetorical question of his co-commentators or viewers. Furthermore, for what must be the only time in his career as a football broadcaster, McAvaney was critical of the umpires. Early market research suggests viewers have warmed to the more heterosexual image cultivated of late by McAvaney.

Noted for injecting ‘special’ and ‘clever’ into individually inspired passages of play, McAvaney is also an overbearing killjoy whose Family First-like positivism induces rhetoric in the form of questions he asks of others without there being any discernible call for an answer. “Hasn’t he been good this quarter?” is one such example. Other variations include, “Don’t you just love his game?”

According to the official I-Footy time clock, McAvaney went four minutes and fifty-one seconds (4.51) on Sunday without articulating a rhetorical question. During the unparalleled interval, however, David Schwartz, who has taken the concept of special comments to a new sphere, decided to take up the slack by indulging in a barrage of “wasn’t it? and isn’t it? and don’t you thinks?” Even McAvaney sounded vaguely disgusted.

To date Schwartz’s main achievement in the media is having stood by and calmly watched an obviously disorientated Justin Kositchke slowly collapse like a felled red oak on live national television. Schwartz, who claimed that the microphone in his hand impeded his ability to assist the concussed St. Kilda ruckman from further worsening the brain damage he had incurred under former coach Grant Thomas, has since been more proactive as a media presenter.

The same can’t be said of Denis Cometti. Since moving from the Nine Network his deadpan humour has been largely lost on his cohorts. A leaked memo during the preseason competition quoted a Seven Football executive, who firmly believed “Bruce was like kryptonite to Denis.” Evidence does little contradict the executive.

Already this season, the usually accurate Cometti has seen fit to describe Greg Tivendale as a “normally accurate kick”. What’s more in round seven he made mention of the number of possessions Ryan Houlihan had amassed in a game without following it up with the word “ineffective.” Watch this space for updates on Cometti’s pending meltdown.

Doggies skipper sues Hollywood heartthrob

Johnno B Goode

In an unprecedented week of legal turmoil involving AFL footballers and celebrities it has been revealed to I-Footy that Western Bulldogs captain Brad Johnson has brought a lawsuit against contemporary big screen icon Matt Damon. The two, who became close while Damon was in Melbourne scouting locations for The Bourne Ultimatum, have fallen out after it has been claimed that “subtle use of Johnson’s shit-eating grin by Damon in Ocean’s Thirteen infringes on a word-of-mouth agreement shared by the former friends” a New York tribunal heard today.

The case is being built around what insiders are calling Damon’s “illegal use of Johnson’s happy-go-lucky image” which, has itself, been tested in recent times after the Bulldogs slumped to a series of losses and a draw at their home ground, Telstra Dome. Former Bulldogs midfielder Angelo Petraglia told an empty press conference at Werribee Oval where he often drinks, that the club had been concerned with their media image ever since several players agreed to appear in a TV advertisement with no foreseeable or redeeming qualities.

“I know I have nothin’ to do with the club anymore but I watch TV” Petraglia said. “Those Peter Jackson ads are abysmal and it has been reflected in the form of the boys this year.”

With exception to Ryan Hargreave whose own 2007 form has miraculously improved, the other cast members to appear in the advertisement have been close to woeful especially during games telecast on free-to-air TV. Daniel Giansiracusa, Jordan McMahon, Adam Cooney and Daniel Cross have even stooped to using the insipid whoring of their image on TV as an excuse for the Western Bulldogs recent poor performances. Petraglia wasn’t having any of it.

“I mean c’mon, Collingwood made that Rexona ad last year and it made The Castle look watchable” he said. “Either way Malthouse hasn’t let it drag them down and they’re going to play finals this season which is something you can’t say of us.”

Rumours that the league had secretly been witch hunting bad actors since the early ‘80s have also resurfaced. Petraglia refused to deny that an official inquiry into “soulless theatrics” was likely by year’s end.

“No one remembers Brian Wilson right?” Petraglia said. “Forget the Beach Boys nutter, the number seven at Melbourne when I played was the worst performer in front of either a camera or umpire for a long, long time.”

Wilson, whose reputation for hamming it up was legend in underground AFL circles, was widely regarded as the grandfather to the modern movement of the diving goal square goon now personified by the likes of Matthew Lloyd. Other actors schooled in this technique include Kayne Pettifer at Richmond and the entire Fremantle forward line.

Despite the Bulldogs sitting outside the top eight the Peter Jackson commercials continue to screen to critical disapproval. Writing in The Monthly Helen Garner called the five-minute long segments, “dull and devoid of charisma.” Age reviewer Jim Schembri, however, disagreed, noting that the vernacular use of “Gia” and “Jordy” expressed a special male bonding that was “missing from my life.”

Sources closer to the club were not yet swayed by the critics. In a recent poll asked of Vietnamese loitering outside the Western Oval, four out of five of the young men quizzed on the spot said they never read Schembri despite his blatant populist leanings. Even so, Petraglia wants the TV spots pulled before the Bulldogs have their own Jonathan Hay on their hands.

“You would have thought they were smoking the Peter Jackson’s” Petraglia said. “ the way they get around. There’s nothing like a well dressed loser either. Have you seen the gear Ian Healy gets around in?”

Meanwhile the Johnson vs Damon suit has taken on another twist after it was revealed that Damon had also got drunk at Crown Casino with prominent St. Kilda defender Leigh Fischer during his short visit to Melbourne. Forensics were analysing evidence suggesting that Fischer’s physiognomy was far closer in resemblance to Damon’s rather than Johnson’s. I-Footy will update the situation as news comes to hand.

Leigh Fisher's been to Bali too

Narkle helmet goes to hell and back

Former St. Kilda rover, Phil Narkle, a regular cult hero to the throng at Moorabbin in the mid ‘80s has had his crash helmet, long thought to have disappeared, finally returned. The reinforced rubber and latex item was located after an agonising search which lasted several months - in an especially ruinous condition.

Colour co-ordinated in red, white and black to match the Saints guernsey, the protective headgear Narkle wore in an injury ravaged 48 game career at Linton Street was recently auctioned off, for an undisclosed amount, to raise money for the W.A. based former champion. Unbeknownst to Narkle and his manager Doug Matera, the helmet, which former St. Kilda winger Geoff ‘Joffa’ Cunningham once told Scott Palmer had “magical powers” was sold privately to an anonymous buyer rather than offered as was originally intended for public bidding where it may have fetched twice as much.

Matera, who claims to be a third cousin of West Coast’s enigmatic forward pocket Wally, said the piece was found in an art exhibition staged by musician Luke Steele who fronts the popular group Sleepy Jackson.

“It was embossed in taffeta and being displayed as an ‘artefact of lost fashion” Matera recalled with disgust. “The guy is quoted in a Ben Lee song for Christsake.”

The exhibition held in the seaside Perth suburb of Scarborough combined video installations, pop art and found objects. Labelled “shithouse” by Dave Hickey, a passer by, who had entered the space under the impression it was a Peep Show, the exhibition failed to secure any buyers.

Hickey, no relation to the Las Vegas based teacher and writer, said that a $2 neon sign hanging in the window of the gallery had fooled him into thinking he was in for an entirely different form of show.

“They had whores in there all right” Hickey recalled. “Just not the type you want to give your hard-earned to.”

Matera and Narkle are currently seeking legal advice on what they claim as being "earnest desecration of a sacred indigenous Australian object". Compensation for damages were also being sought by the pair.

Narkle, recruited from Swan Districts (and a member of their team of the century), crossed from the Saints to West Coast where he played out his career. Around this time he unsuccessfully sued a fellow AFL footballer, whose identity can’t be disclosed, over what Narkle perceived as copyright infringement for use of the nickname “magic”.

After deliberating for several seconds, Judge Colin Judge (brother of Hawthorn star Ken) ruled in favour of the defence counsel after it had established that over 6,000 indigenous footballers around the globe “had either used or been branded with the moniker of ‘magic’ during their long or brief Australian Rules careers.”

Matera refused to comment on whether the “magical powers” of the recently found helmet were connected to Narkle’s nickname. He did, however, claim that the value of the item had been “diminished considerably” after the exhibition.

“Look, Steele’s put his painted fingernails all over it” Matera said. “It’s safe to say it’s worthless now.”

Matera would not say whether Narkle’s Swan Districts headgear would be auctioned off in the near future.

Kouta's 'Bustinest' Moves!

OK, so we had a bit of a laugh at Kouta's Souvlaki Hut, but here are some higlights from Kouta's stellar career, as reported by our Middle-East correspondent, Charlie:


1995
Grand Final – Carlton v Geelong
The Blues dominated the 1995 season like few other teams in AFL history. The Blues dropped just two matches for the season and were rarely threatened by the Cats in a one-sided Grand Final. Koutoufides had 19 possessions at half-time. Voted second-best afield behind Norm Smith Medallist Greg Williams, the 22-year-old finished the grand final with 31 possessions and eight marks. ED: Kouta shows what he can do to Pussies!

1996
Round five – Carlton v West Coast
Carlton and West Coast played a classic match at Princes Park with the Blues prevailing by one point thanks to one of the greatest individual efforts of all time. Koutoufides finished the game with 35 possessions and 18 marks, none more important than his desperate grab right at the end, deep in the Eagles’ forward line.

His performance prompted Blues coach David Parkin to say, “I think we would have had awful trouble winning the game without him”. ED : Proof that Greek athleticism will conquer drugs everytime!

1999
Round 17 – Carlton v Collingwood
“When I was playing my best football, I was playing in the midfield and basically staying there all day.” Well the Blues selectors took Kouta’s advice and played him in the middle against the Pies. Although Simon Beaumont stole the headlines kicking eight goals before half-time, the key battle was waged between Kouta and Nathan Buckley. Neither player claimed outright dominance – Koutoufides had 34 possessions and Buckley 31 – but it did reiterate that Kouta’s best position was in the midfield. ED: The great Melbourne suburban war : The Bogens vs. The Wogs.

1999
Preliminary final – Carlton v Essendon
Blues supporters love to remind Bombers fans about 1999's second-last Saturday in September. Odds-on flag favourite Essendon was beaten by the narrowest of margins following an inspirational final quarter from Kouta. The midfielder was everywhere, booting two goals and dragging down match-defining marks. He took a big grab in the forward 50m and converted midway through the term and bobbed up moments later to put the Blues in front by seven points. Match commentator Gerard Healy summed it up best: “They’ve got to match up Kouta here. He could rip their hearts out”. ED: IT's always fantastic to do it 'Greek style' with a waterlogged Sherrin to the Bummers!

2000
Round 11 – Carlton v Kangaroos
In round eight in 2000, against the Swans, Kouta notched up a career-high 39 possessions. But it was his explosive third quarter which caught the eye. He collected 14 disposals and seven marks for the term which helped turn a 12-point half-time lead into a 50-point margin at the final change. His most celebrated performance for the season, however, was in round 11 when he went one-on-one with Wayne Carey. Kouta won the duel, kicking five goals and gathered 38 possessions. TV commentator Kevin Bartlett said during the match “How many Koutoufides’ are playing today?” ED: Carey was still on a high after fucking his best mate's wife, and not quite fancying Kouta's

2001
Round eight – Carlton v Brisbane
One of the main reasons why 2001 premiers Brisbane lost this match was because of Koutoufides’ dominance. The Carlton champion had another “triple double” match with 17 kicks, 19 handballs and 11 marks to his name. Playing in the midfield, Kouta’s opponents included gifted onballers Michael Voss and Chris Scott. ED: Unfortunately that was the last time we beat the Bears :(

2003
Round 20 – Carlton v St Kilda
In 2003, Koutoufides played every match of the season and finished second in the Blues' best-and-fairest count. The round 20 match was his best match in terms of possessions - 19 kicks and 15 handballs. Yet his most important contribution in 2003 was his 31 possessions against Richmond, which helped the Blues secure a narrow
victory and avoid the dreaded wooden-spoon. ED: Well someone had to do it, coz Pagan defintely couldn't!

2004
Round 22 – Carlton v Collingwood
Although his posession total was low – 22 – his performance showed glimpses of his former magic. A pack mark early in the match was reminiscent of his commanding marks in the final quarter of the 1999 preliminary final. He also kicked a long, booming goal that matched the feats of his career-best season of 2000. ED: Every time you beat Collingwood, 1000 starving children are saved in Africa, and Greenhouse emissions are cut by 27 mega-tonnes.

And in the words of rabid fan, Athos Mousoulakis 'KOUTAMAN YOUR A LEGEND!'

KOUTA at his one-handed best. The gretest Greek-god-of-footy of all-time!

Tanks are the best defense

Tanks are the best defense

In one of the strangest press-conferences in the history of the AFL, Carlton president and billionaire businessman Dick Pratt denied the rumours that his side were 'tanking' late in the season in order to gain a priority pick. In a gallant effort, the Blues outclassed Collingwood for 3 and 3 quarters, in what should have been a one-sided affair that such a 'flag favourite' should have easily won by 10 goals. The Pies valiantly rallied home when 'gun' forward Anthony Rocca suddenly find a rare show of fitness and kicked four goal in the final term, much the the Jihadic ecstasy of the Collingwood faithful.

And despite the Carlton-Collingwood rivalry being nearly as great and spiteful as that one in the Middle-East, Pratts comments were defintely from left-field. 'You know, I give millions to Israel, and why not, they are my tribe and have been f___d over for centuries. When you are surrounded by terrorists and guerrilla 'armies' that make Collingwood supporters seem civilised and are born to annihilate you - tanks are you best defense. You remember 'Operation Shredder'? Well look it up in your dictionary next time.” With those cryptic words, Pratt swiftly left the press conference, but had these parting words: "..at least Ratts is doing a better job than Pagan!"

Flamboyant Collingwood cheer squad identity 'Joffa' was unfortunately not available for comment.

Hudson to forge ahead despite hate mail

Channel Ten football anchorboy Anthony Hudson will continue to helm match day coverage despite being inundated with negative mail calling for his immediate dismissal. Hudson who crossed to television football commentary after partnering Rex Hunt on 3AW, refused to comment on the situation although a source close to his manager agreed to talk to I-Footy.

“Anthony hasn’t been perturbed by the barrage of hate mail he has received” the source said. “He’s been used to it for some time now.”

Letters and faxes began steadily accumulating at Ten’s Sports Department when 10 won a share of the AFL broadcast rights.

Hudson, who had not even been hired yet, was informed of a tonne of paper sitting outside the office he was allocated on his first day at work. The source said Hudson’s in-tray hadn’t been empty ever since.

“Some of it is quite constructive” the source said. “There’s plenty of people out there who can’t afford Foxtel.”

Initially hired for an observed ‘versatility coupled with youth market appeal’, Hudson was to head football commentary with Stephen Quartermain and co-host Before the Game with Peter Hellier. After a verbal altercation with Dave Hughes Hudson was soon demoted from the live show for a more youthful Andy Maher.

Not known to back away from pointing out the obvious, Hudson, according to the source, had told Hughes to drop the workingman routine.

“Hudson told him, ‘look you’re a multimillionaire with a vacant hot girlfriend and you hang with Rove. Knock off the blue collar shit’” the source quoted Hudson as having said.


Network heavyweights were disapproving enough of Hudson’s ‘attack’ to downgrade his profile to a level comparable to Michael Christian’s. It is thought that the growing pile of diatribes viewers were sending in failed to help Hudson’s cause.

“Anthony didn’t have any friends in school” the source said. “Man, anyone prepared to use ‘he goes long and strong’ as their catchcry has got some unresolved issues. People pick up on that. Some sooner than others.”

SOUVLAKI KING!

Kouta doing it 'Greek style'!

Pre-millenium footy 'superstar' Anthony 'Kouta-rooter' Koutafidies has opened a SOUVLAKI HUT in Templestowe with ex-Blues 'woofter' and fellow reh Ange Christou. When asked by well known investigative journalist Andrew Bolt about whether Kouta is contributing to the 'obesity plague' by opening such a fine eatery, Kouta was quick to deny the allegations.

"Look mate, have you ever eaten a souva? Our souvlakis are made from lean Tasmanian lamb, and the tzatziki is make from yogurt, which as you know is good for your digestion - these were two important ingredients in assisting my Greek-god physique, and any decent nutritionist will tell you what good sources of iron and friendly-bactieria those food items are."

Well known Greek writer Christos Tsiolkas was quick to come out to Kouta's defense. "First we got harassed for being wogs, then for being poofters, but these claims that Souvlakis make you fat, that's blatantant Hellenophobiaism! Did you know why they make Souvlaki's in a cylindrical roll? It was because the ancient Spartans thought it reminded them of their lovers..." Unfortunately at that point the tape stopped.

Since Kouta hasn't played any real footy since his did his knee in the 2001 semi's, he's been busy tanning his Greek arse down at Athos indoor solarium, become quite a capable cha-cha dancer, and now, a bona fide Souvlaki King! KKKKKOOOOOUUUTTTTAAAAAA!!!!

'It's the FIIINNNAAALLL COUNTDOWN!!'

The Terry Wallace Boogie Experience

Daniher, Connolly, Pagan, Sheedy - four coaches in four weeks (and fucken Carlton aggregating nearly 400 points in losses to boot - Pagan can well and truly get farked for all I care!!)....

.....and soon, maybe (or hopefully for the quietly frothing Tiger supporters) that other 'genius' coach of the modern era, Terry 'the King of Spin' Wallace. The self-proclaimed 'best centreman of the modern era' (in a team full of them, remember!) Terry has had a colourful though not entirely successful career as an AFL coach. First he took the Doggies from nowhere to sorta somewhere, then got sacked for asking for a pay rise, only to successfully re-market (spin?) himself over to the beleaguered Tigers. And what a start he had : Nathan Brown his golden-boy from the Doggies, all the best picks in the draft, and the 'unreliable genius' or whatever, of Richo. Sure the Tigers were up and down more than John Holmes on a crack/sex bender, and were unbeatable for the first half of 2005, until a freak injury to Brown snapped Wallace's plan in two. And then the spin hit the fan.....and went in every direction except up the ladder.

In a recent interview, Wallace admits he's feeling 'twitchy' - with the Tigers facing one of their worst seasons in history, he starts to talk about things in terms of 'History' and obscure references to Sean Penn movies – everything except how he's gonna pull the beleaguered team off the bottom, since his 5 year-and-1-man plan are three and a half years in.....

..so from today i-Footy starts 'The Wallace Final Countdown' -365 days and counting...

Terry Wallace : admiring an artwork by the obscure French Impressionist 'Frawle'

Leukaemia patient orders Bateman out of hospital room

Chance Bateman - doin' it for the kids!

The football world is in shock today. Chance Bateman who had intended to make a sick little boy’s day a lot brighter has been insulted repeatedly by an eight year old. The Hawthorn winger, who was engaged by the Make a Wish Foundation on behalf of the parents of leukaemia patient Danny Merrett, was told where to go – in no uncertain terms.

“There's no mistaking it. The minute I entered the room with Leo the Lion, Danny reared up in bed and launched into this tirade” Bateman told reporters assembled outside St. Vincent’s. “I'm pretty sure it was all directed at me.”

Nurses were called to Merrett’s bedside where they immediately sedated him. Leo the Lion, who accompanied Bateman to the terminal illness ward for children was also asked to leave.

Merrett, a passionate Richmond supporter, was diagnosed with cancer earlier in the year. According to Merrett he received the horrible news the same day Jade Rawlings was hired by his beloved Tigers as an assistant coach.

“There’s been some duds at the club in my short time on the planet” Merrett said. “But after Paul Hudson and Aaron Fiora, that takes the fuckin’ cake.”

Once his parents had been served with a restraining order Merrett spoke exclusively to I-Footy during visiting hours. It was important, he claimed, to give his own version of events.

A 'Flea' that fell out of Chance's dreads

“Man, I thought they said it was a chance to meet Weightman” Merrett said. “Imagine my reaction when they sent that dreadlocked thing through the door. My hair may have fallen out but it’s got nothing to do with the chemo.”

Merrett firmly believed his parents were to blame for the misunderstanding. He has already informed the couple, John and Jenny Merrett, he never wishes to see them again.

“They don’t know anything about footy anyway” he said. “They’re both from Melbourne and go for Freo. What a pair of fuckheads.”

Merrett, who calls himself the black sheep of the family in which there are two other siblings (both older sisters) rejected calls from Jim Stynes and Paul Currie, directors of the charity foundation which helps thousands of kids around Australia. Currie urged the boy to reconcile with his parents. The boy, who, according to his doctors only has three weeks to live, was having none of it.

“I don’t want to go to Disneyland with that fuckin’ creep Stynes” he said. “I just want Wallace to give Connors a game in the ones.”

Shinboner of the Century caught attending arthouse movie

Glenn Archer with fellow MIFF punters.

North Melbourne premiership player and North Smith Medallist Glenn Archer has been sighted frequenting the movies. Not just any movie an eyewitness has told I-Footy. It is alleged that the movie had subtitles.

Archer, 36, who is usually injured this time of year didn’t play down the incident claiming he had made it a habit in July to go to the cinema and escape the cold. He added that he was considering getting suspended now that the Kangaroos were on track to appear in the finals.

“I’m seriously considering just biffing someone on the weekend” Archer said. “Besides MIFF is nearly here and there’s a midnight screening of El Topo. Shannon Grant reckons he can get his paws on some dots.”

The Melbourne International Film Festival has become a regular haunt for Archer over the years. He tries to see at least one movie from a country he has never been too.

“I never miss it” Archer said. “Last year me and Petrie went and saw Climates. Shit we thought Turks were only good for kebabs.”

Archer, who was spotted after audibly referring to “Adrian Martin” on the escalator outside the Nova cinemas in Carlton, had been a keen bird watcher up until recently. But unfortunately his favourite pastime had become increasingly difficult given the demands it had of his weary body. According to Archer a friend suggested the cinema as a likely place to both engage his active imagination and find a release. After attending a screening of Irreversible the rugged All Australian had found his second calling.

“Man, that was some movie” Archer said. “I didn’t know a rape could go on for so long. I nearly called Carey.”

Gerard Healy confesses to being a sham

Brownlow medallist Gerard Healy has, in a bizarre admission while on air, described himself as an “out and out fuckstick”. Shocked listeners heard the outburst last night on a drive time sports programme he co-hosts on 3AW with Tony Shaw.

During a regular talkback segment Healy interrupted a caller with a series of attacks he seemed to be aiming squarely at himself. The brutal self-criticism appeared to have “little or no segue” as Shaw put it.

Several seconds of dead air immediately followed the outburst before Shaw attempted to throw to an advertisement. But only moments later Healy was audible. Whimpering at the next ill timed opportunity into his microphone.

“There was no telling what was going on” Shaw recalled. “At first I thought it was a gag and tried to run with it. But how do you run with something that sounds like a sound bite from Bad Lieutenant?”

Momentarily regaining his composure Healy then went on to say he lived out his glory days as a receiver and was a “sham” of a footballer and a “detestable human.”

An extract from the show’s transcript found in circulation over the internet is further evidence of the damning 10 minute show put on by Healy.

Shaw: What are you getting at Gerard?

Healy: Everyone knew I was useless at Melbourne. Barrassi pointed that out. Then the Brownlow… I thought I’d made something of myself, you know?

Shaw: The Brownlow’s an amazing achievement, isn’t it?

Healy: Is it Tony? Is it really? Half my career was spent on the end of one of Diesel’s fuckin’ handballs! Back then they didn’t have the stat for hardball gets. Lucky for me! But the charade is over boys. I can no longer hide.

Healy, who played the majority of his career at Sydney during the glamour years of Dr. Bernie Ecclestone and Warwick Capper, managed just two finals series in that time. Often named in the middle with dual Brownlow medallist Greg Williams and rover Stevie Wright, Healy was widely considered a crucial member of that formidable onball division by expert commentators such as Drew Morphett who once post-synchronised commentary for a Brett Allison mark taken in a game that the TV network had refused to cover at the time. The North Melbourne forward was later awarded mark of the year with Morphett screaming alongside seemingly month’s old footage.

A colleague of Morphett’s at the time and wishes to remain anonymous described Healy as a skilful player, adding “especially after Sydney’s opposition had already been crushed.”

Such an assessment now might sound agreeable to Healy. The self-loathing that continued further confounded an increasingly bemused Shaw.

“Quite often Browning or Bayes would avoid kicking the ball to me when I was all alone in the middle just They’d bomb it long to Tony Morwood when he was even outnumbered three on one” Healy said gasping between sobs. “They never did it against the bad teams, only the good. And now I know why.”

Healy, who played 216 games with Melbourne and Sydney for over a decade, in retirement replaced Ted Whitten as Victorian chairman of selectors while providing special comments for Channel 7. He recalled being hurt by rumours that some of the better players feigned injury to avoid wearing the Big V because it had been cheapened. According to Healy, Gary Ablett Snr had just recently, and in strict confidence, confirmed that the rumour was true.

“It was a farce that whole State of Origin selection” Healy told a stunned Shaw. “I mean we even picked you one year Tony.”

It is not known what triggered Healy’s antics on the radio.

No more toss, it's VOSS

INSIDER INFO BEFORE STUPID BLOODY 'HUTCHO' the Drongo gets it!

STOP PRESS:

MICHAEL VOSS TO COACH THE BLUES!

My high-profile insiders report that the deal is signed, sealed and delivered!

May the Pratt be with him..!

It's aint over till it's over!!!!

Rocky Balboa vs Some Bogen

Eddie MacGuire presents a 'Boned Production' of an Eddie McGuire picture

BUCKY BALBOA!!!

Against the odds, one man, one last chance, when victory means EVERYTHING!

Hamstrung by his wifes' boutique going bust, his pet Chihuahua 'Magro' getting hit by a Vespa at Toorak Village, and a legion of toothless genetic-defectives and Pink-pies screaming 'JUDAS'! He's got one last chance, despite all the odds. The Pies are gonna make the finals, and can they take Bucky Balboa out of the cotton-wool for one last uplifting, inspiring display of COLLIWOBBLES...??! Each minute, each moment could be his last! The pressure mounts as Bucky faces the biggest challenge of his ultimate absolution. He's gotta dig deep, get the one percenters happening, make sure the Carbos and pinch-tests are in check, and the explorative surgery doesn't find the Holy Grail. He can't listen Spiderbait no more – its time for action....!!!

YEAHHHHH!!! YOU CAN DO IT! (Do it for Joffa!)

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBUUUUUUUUUUUUU

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC

CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

BOLBOA!

When all that's left is one last chance, pray that he isn't hamstrung again..

THIS SEPTEMBER..The come-back of all time!

Coming soon Highpoint10, Southland10, Chaddy GoldClass, Northlands, Airportwest and Broady10 (with Gala Opening and 'surprise' celebrity guests!)

..and shortly after to DVD featuring commenatary track by Eddie, Daicos, Joffa, Richard Watts, Rove's Piss Boy, and the man himself 'Bucky' Balboa. As includes behind the scenes footage and a 3 hour dopucmentary 'Beyond the club - from scum to God! the Colliwobbles story'..All remixed in DTS!

“ ..STUNNING! A major achievement in Australian cinema. I was boned to my seat!.." Margaret Pomeranz, the Movie Show.

You can't dig deep until you've hit rock bottom. BUCKY BALBOA – the Big Comeback!

Tourists swap chicken roll for Richmond memberships

"The Loovers."

Four Americans vacationing in Australia have been signed up as instant life members of the Richmond Football Club. The recruitment, labelled by industry insiders as a “marketing miracle”, now guarantees the self confessed ice hockey ‘nuts’ ties at Tigerland for the rest of their remaining days on earth.

Merchandise was also given to the quartet for a photo opportunity but was later returned in a series of unconventional marketing ploys the Tigers were looking to invest in next year. The plan, which has snowballed after the tourists had a chance meeting with a stranger baring gifts, is to attract supporters, sponsors and eventually players.

Henry Loover, a resident of Buffalo, NY, told I-Footy of how he was approached late Thursday night in a convenience store where he was shopping for snacks with his wife Marcia. It is believed a stranger offered the Loovers four lifetime memberships at Punt Road in exchange for a frozen chicken roll.

“It hadn’t even been zapped in the microwave” Loover said. “We were still jet-lagged at the time. It all happened so fast.”

The stranger was later identified as Richmond assistant coach Brian Royal. Royal, who had been missing since Richmond’s loss to North Melbourne four days prior to the meeting, has refused to comment to the media about the incident.

“He looked like he hadn’t slept all week” Brian Hoover, 57, recalled. “He didn’t smell real great either.”

The news compelled Richmond coach, Terry Wallace to immediately contact the club's marketing department. Despite the inherent financial discrepancy of the exchange Wallace quickly seized the opportunity to turn it into a positive for the club believing it has paved the way to employ virile marketing now as a legitimate tool to attract supporters.

“We cracked the 30,000 mark for members” Wallace said. “It’s our best year ever.”

The Tigers who have a win and a draw in the bank balance after fourteen rounds this year has seen a recent drop in crowd attendances in spite of their growing membership base. The falling numbers are significant for the club which is known as one of the 'big four' in Victoria but has struggled for over a quarter century. Richmond currently sits in 16th position on the AFL ladder two games behind nearest team Melbourne. There are 16 teams in the league.

The tourists who hope to enjoy some fly-fishing in Australia weren’t certain they would attend Richmond’s clash on the weekend.

“It will depend on whether we can score any weed” Marcia Loover said. “We’re not in town long and there’s so much fishing to do in the rain.”

The Americans who are here with another couple from Ottawa are devout ice hockey fans. Although neither of the Loovers, who have been married 18 months, were prepared to discuss the matter.

Loover, who owns a successful chain of imported furniture stores in the United States, said he had first become aware of Australian Rules while traveling overseas on business during the late ‘80s.

“In some sections of London that’s all they talk about” he said. Loover added, “Seriously that’s all they talk about.”

His recollections of the games he saw on TV are fond if somewhat vague.

“The only thing I can recall is when some Irish clown ran over the mark to make his team miss a grand final” he said. “The name Gary Buckenara still cracks me up to this day.”

Loover admitted to not having seen Richmond’s proposed centreline for the weekend.

The End of Paganism : Part 1

Based on 'The Mercy Seat' , written by Mr. Nicholas Cave, Australia's biggest religious footballer ROCKSTAR!

It began when they come took me from my home
And put me in death row ,
Of which I am nearly wholly innocent, you know.
And I'll say it again
I..am..not..afraid..to..die.
I began to warm and chill
To footballs and their fields,
A ragged cup, a twisted mop
The face of Carey in my soup
Those sinister dinner meals
And those lucrative coaching deals,
A hooked bone rising from my food
All things either good or ungood.
And the mercy seat is waiting
And I think my head is burning
And in a way I'm yearning
To be done with all this measuring of truth.
An eye for an eye
A tooth for a tooth
And anyway I told the truth
And I'm not afraid to die.
A shonky list and some kids
Expectations that are not hid
The walls are painted. Navy blue and white kind,.
They are sick breath at my hind
They are sick breath at my hind
They are sick breath at my hind
They are sick breath gathering at my hind
I hear stories from the chamber
How Fevola was born into a manger
And like some ragged stranger
I rescued him from the Crows
And might I say it seems so fitting in its way
He could kick a bag on his day,
Or at least that's what I'm told
Like my good hand I
tatooed E.V.I.L. across Angwins' fist
And uselss Campo's chest! He did nothing to challenge or resist.
In Heaven His throne is made of mould
The ark of his poor form is stowed
A throne from which I'm told
All history does unfold.
Down here it's made of wood and wire
And my body is on fire
And Kerna's Wrath is never far away.
Into the mercy seat I climb
My head is shaved, my head is wired
And like a moth that tries
To enter the bright eye
I go shuffling out of life
Just to hide in death awhile
And anyway I never lied.
My kill-hand is called Carey
Wears a wedding band that's lairy
`Tis a long-suffering shackle
I taught Bentick how to tackle..

And the mercy seat is waiting
And I think my head is burning
And in a way I'm yearning
To be done with all this measuring of proof.
A draft for a draft
And (maybe) some talented youth...
And anyway there was no proof
But I'm not afraid to tell a lie.
And the mercy seat is waiting
And I drafted Callum Chambers....!
And in a way I'm yearning
To be done with all this measuring of truth.
An eye for an eye
And Micky Martyn over youth,
And who cares about the truth?
But I'm afraid I told a lie.

Strange Days

Is 'whoosh' the name of a new designer drug?

Was the recent heritage round a nostalgic trip down memory lane or some acid laced flashback conjured from the outtakes of Zabriskie Point? For those without Foxtel, the news, which travelled like wildfire last Saturday night, heralding that 20-1 outsiders the Brisbane Lions had defeated premiers West Coast Eagles, what’s more, at the latter’s Subiaco fortress, was a tonic filled with something akin to peyote. Such a result didn’t seem possible, let alone real. Then the footage came through.

Of all the retro-fashion statements made in commemoration of the 1970s such as the red shorts worn by the likes of the Western Bulldogs and Essendon and the rather apt yellow variety for Richmond, nothing over the weekend came close to challenging the double take inducing absurdity of observing Fitzroy, according to the available highlights footage, run rings around the Western Australian State Team.

An evening sure to have swelled the heart of the most melancholy of former Roy boys, the Brisbane upset victory seemed to surprise even coach Leigh Matthews who didn’t give his players much of a chance before the game. By Matthews' own admission when his side took to the field embossed with the FFC logo, it only just occured to him that they had been decimated by recent and not so recent retirements.

Having made the trip to Perth without Mick Conlan, Garry Wilson, John Ironmonger or even Darren “Doc” Wheildon, Matthews was understandably playing down his team’s chances in the Courier Mail, a paper no one outside of Queensland reads (and even there they don’t care much for it). Lucky for him too.

“We can’t tag ‘em all” Matthews was heard to say. “The hope is that they kick inaccurately at goal in the first half and that we capitalise on all the soft square-ups they’ll owe us later in the match after the umpires try and ensure the Eagles get off to their usual AFL assisted flying start.”

The tactic, an unusual one even by the four-time premiership coach’s standards, proved invaluable. West Coast coach John Worsfield admitted to the media after the game that he had no way of combating Matthews’ strategy – a strategy he credited assistant coach Craig Lambert with formulating.

"Lambert was always a left of field kind of guy" Worsfold said. "When he played in long sleeves all the time we thought it was because he was a burns victim. Turned out he just had bad acne. Covered it up well all the same" he added.

Asked of why the Eagles failed to pose for more soft frees inside the 50 metre arc, Worsfold lamented the lack of mental application shown by his forwards. "When you've recruited guys like Lynch, Hunter and Chick, you wake up in the middle of the night and think, shit, we fucked up there, what a group of meatheads. Hey, what the hell, we won the granny last year."

West Coast failed to capitalise on an opening preorchestrated to please the home crowd of 38, 321 people; most of whom would have been disappointed by the ineffective kicking and acting on display. Officially there was 210 Brisbane supporters among them. Not one Fitzroy supporter could be accounted for, however, an obese Peanut vendor claimed to have lived off Brunswick Street for a while in 1991.

“It was just chaos out there” Worsfold said of the opening quarter where the Eagles were awarded 12 free kicks to the Lions’ three. “None of their players complained about the lopsided count much less bothered to question their legitimacy, or, as the case may be, lack of” Worsfold added.

According to Matthews this allowed his team to save enough energy to overrun the Eagles, most of whose young players had never played against Fitzroy, nor for that matter, knew of the club’s mediocre traditions and nomadic past struggles for both a home base and identity.

Eagles winger Michael Braun, one of four Victorian recruits at West Coast sat beside Worsfold at the press conference. When asked about Fitzroy he recalled an inspirational story his father had told him the night before the game.

"My Old Man was at the Lakeside Oval one day. Fitzroy played there right?" Braun asked the assembled media throng. Urged to continue, Braun added, "Leon Harris kicked a goal from an impossible angle in the pocket this day but my Dad missed it because a seagull shat on him."

For the record the Lions were awarded seven free kicks to the Eagles four in the final quarter. Having conserved their energy, the Lions kicked an accurate 5.1 to the Eagles 2.6 to eventually record an historic victory.

Worsfold who had played against Fitzroy but who also could not remember ever doing so, did manage to recall an incident with former Fitzroy forward Richard Osbourne.

“I think I shattered his cheek bone once” Osborne said at the press conference. “But that may have been in a state game and I don’t remember getting rubbed out for it when the punch probably deserved five or six.”

Like his coach before him, Daniel Kerr, having accepted a one match suspension for elbowing Brisbane's Will Hamill to the face, can now be said to have had the misunderstood Western Australia versus Fitzroy rivalry torch passed down to him.

Dial 'F' for F-wit

'Handy' Andy Maher is the king of the post-'Eddie-est' TV presenter-cum-footy-analyst-cum-multifunction-tool, era. Not only does he look like the kind of guy you'd call a dropkick at high-school, he talks like one. In fact he talks like a really intellectual accountant, if there is such a living entity, it's something in that Kerferd Road lisp that does it. Makes you want kick a footy into his head at full pelt.

So Mr. Maher, the most-credible-footy-analyst on Channel 10, puts his three cents in tonight by trying to start another worthless 'controversy' by bagging the fact that Chris Judd – a Victorian, and probably the best footballer on the planet at the moment – was wearing the Western Australian state jumper as part of this weeks' 'Heritage Week' promotional event (for those that don't know, the 'Heritage Week' is part of this bullshit jumper-experiment, with this week's colours being the quite distinctive 70's jumpers and shorts).

Personally the new-team-colour fiasco is pathetic, and more evidence of Mr. Dimsimitrious' eroding the heart and soul of the great game, but more importantly, evidence of the divide-and-conquer corporatisation of the game into the 'entertainment' that it is today. I might be ranting, but I ain't bitter, I accept that that's the way things work today, and good luck to 'em. Players these days don't play for 'the jumper' they play for lucrative 3-year contracts. Which goes back to the fact that Drew Maher's 'rant' is purely the words of an idiot. If Chris Judd was told to wear a bloomin' tutu for the AIDS-Femmo Heritage week, he'd wear it, and still rack up 30 possessions.

Fab Full Backs Never Go Out of Fashion

As the AFL attempts to cloak an otherwise uninteresting fixture of football in the nostalgia of 1970s contested football, Andrew Demeatroot and his team of market researchers have decided to distract the football population from Interstate dominance, tempo-flooding, over-officiating, chronic knee injuries and a ridiculous finals system (close to already decided) in addition to rules fit for soccer mum’s and their pampered progeny, with a period when none of these abysmal elements existed.

As Royce Hart gets written out of history and the rivalry between Peter Knights and Paul Van der Haar soon may follow, let us be thankful for a revival of old guernseys, campfire stories about brawls at Windy Hill and Nathan Carrol, who has single-handedly made homosexual jail culture a fashion statement on and off the field.

Foreigner Correspondent

Robert Murphy - getting into a Fitzroy state of mind (even if he plays for Footescray!)

“Robert Murphy’s column appears every Thursday during the football season” reads the tagline at the bottom of each article collaborated on by the Bulldogs half-forward flanker and some underpaid sub editor at The Age. Why though, you may ask, does such scholarly commentary appear only during the football season? Murphy, to judge by his interest in the arts, surely has much more to offer the casual left-leaning footy fan. Sam Lane knows it and soon, you will too.

The alt-rock, Fitzroy residing, politicised poster boy for Fairfax in Melbourne seems to write on most things other than football. He is not alone for that matter. High profile journalists such as Mark ‘Robbo’ Robinson, Craig ‘Hutchy’ Hutchison and to a lesser extent Caroline ‘Caro’ Wilson, rarely see fit to extend their human interest stories and Chinese whispers coverage to what happens on the ground; Murphy can now officially join that illustrious company not to mention abbreviate part of his name in the manner befitting a resident media tool.

Prose stylist that he is, Murphy or “Murph” opens his weekly column today with this erudite statement: “Ethics and morals are just a couple of things that separate us humans from wild animals.” A shithouse taste in music might be another.

Of late, the frizzy-topped Bulldog who calls himself the fifth member of Foreigner has been hampered both by injuries and a weekly wage as a journalist. Despite the intensive training demands now required of a professional athlete and his love affair raising a pair of Rhodesian Ridgeback pups he has called, Chomski and Arkley, Murphy still finds the time to write about rock, rockin’ and scotch on the rocks. Quite often he combines all three while listening to Tim Rogers and the Temperance Union although only Rogers, a keen Kangaroos fan, might comprehend how such an ungainly synthesis can be achieved. The You Am I front man does, for that matter, hang out with Tex Perkins.

Murphy, who makes an effort to meet up with old mate Nathan Brown at Pellegrini’s on Bourke Street to discuss the finer points of Brit Pop on a weekly basis, often inspires the Richmond forward, also hampered by injuries and opinions, to design retrograde t-shirts – with a message.

Of the five t-shirts now available on the Brown Mark label (which began official trading on the ASX last Tuesday), two designs have had Murphy’s direct input: “Tiananmen Square ’89; We Were in Ibiza” and “Save the Whale”, the latter, a Brown Mark publicist confirmed, is not, however, a wryly humorous reference to Brian “Whale” Roberts.

Murphy, whose heroes include Michael Moore and Will Anderson, is said to have never heard of Brent Crosswell nor read anything the retired footballer may have written. A spokesman for The Age verified this adding that, “Robert reads [sic] writers defined more by contemporary idealism.” The list was long and included local literary giants such as Tony Wilson and Christos Tsiolkas.

In 2005 Murphy gestured to the crowd after celebrating a goal with a “No War” sign. That same year Michael Gardner, playing as a ruckmen for West Coast, gestured in similar fashion while celebrating a goal, allegedly, to a notorious methamphetamines manufacturer in Western Australia. After a media storm resulted, Gardiner was made to apologise and dually disciplined by his then club. He has since been traded to St. Kilda. Murphy meanwhile continues to write for The Age.

Didaktic Rules in Place at Pies

Big Al and his 'noyce' gal

Alan Didak is set to face the biggest challenge of his AFL career. Last year’s Copeland Trophy winner has had a midnight curfew imposed on him by the Collingwood hierarchy, effective immediately.

Didak, whose recent nocturnal exploits have seen him in violent altercations outside Melbourne nightspots and inside a taxicab, will be fitted with a device inside his mouth guard that can monitor his whereabouts and even his TV viewing at any time of the day. Or night, as the case may be.

The mouth guard which Didak is known to travel everywhere with, now has GPS capabilities thanks to a microchip installed by an emigrated North Korean engineer.

“You never know when someone might want to take a crack at you” an industry source quoted Didak as saying at Spearmint Rhino.

Kevin Sheedy used a similar device on Ty Zantuck in 2004 but scrapped the experiment after the Essendon leadership group decided the money would be better used to book the back pocket a bus ride home.

According to a Collingwood spokesman, the Didak reaction was most likely about to set a precedent for AFL bad boys. West Coast among many other clubs has mooted a similar curfew in regard to Ben Cousins who has been known to associate with disreputable types such as Brian Burke and Daniel Chick.

“Alan realises he has to take responsibility for his whereabouts” the spokesman said. “The problem for much of the time is that Alan can’t remember where he is or where he should be. Hopefully the GPS will change all that.”

Imposing a curfew on the talented South Australian born left-footer, one that may have also prolonged Darren Millane’s alcohol fuelled life, is likely to enable Didak to catch up with reruns of Joan of Arcadia, a favourite show known to play daily on at least one of the ten Plasma screens on display at the Lexus Centre.

Didak who admitted to being in a car with Hell’s Angels associate Christopher Hudson hours before it is alleged that the biker seriously injured two bystanders and killed one other outside a King Street night club with a firearm, has avoided trouble with the law despite turning up to the Brownlow Medal Count in 2005 accompanied by a crime of sorts – this time against fashion.

It is not clear whether the 24 year old will return to the All Australian form he showed prior to tearing an ACL during last year’s embarrassing Elimination Final loss to the Western Bulldogs. This was the first of a series of setbacks for Didak that commenced in late 2005 when the number 4's season was interrupted by an irregular heartbeat.

Collingwood would not confirm the extent of the conditions to the midnight curfew. At this stage it is widely believed that if Didak is caught outside his own residence after midnight he could face the axe or worse, a trade back to Port Adelaide, the club he played as a junior.

It is also believed that Didak will also have to avoid certain influences, not just of the alcoholic variety. In the match against Carlton last year Didak knocked out best friend and ex-team mate Heath Scotland.

“He is not fussy who he associates with” Mrs. Keilar mother of murder victim Brendan Keilar recently told the press after learning that Didak may have been able to have prevent the senseless death of her son.

Brendan Fevola suspended for doing nothing.

SHOCK! HORROR! FEVOLA SUSPENDED FOR DOING NOTHING

post by Bosustow

The Fev (2nd from left), bumming around

Carlton spearhead Brendan Fevola has been dropped by Carlton for doing nothing. That's right, he wasn't caught smoking ice or hanging out with Hell Angel's murders, he was dropped for doing nothing. The past six weeks has seen 'The Fev' kick a paltry 9 goals, and despite the positive signs that the Blues won two games with Fev practically goalless, he was still practically goalless when we were getting pumped by 100 points. Oh well, another over-rated player of the 'moderne game' gets his come-uppence. Hopefully the Blues can trade him for a player of quality, as well as their coach, who seemed to be all smiles at the Glenn Archer 300-game wankfest the next day. Obviously Pago is living in the past coz he's well and truly got no future...