Terry Wallace releases rock album!

Featuring hit single 'You shouldn't take it so hard'

Less than 24 hours after the worst season opener in recent AFL memory, avid inner city rock music collector Dave Betterscotch found a remarkable lost artifact from Richmond coach Terry Wallace's pre-Richmond career.

Before he convinced the Richmond board and legion fans of his '5 year plan', Wallace was actually moonlighting as a pub-rock musician! Betterscotch couldn't believe what he found when rummaging through the racks at 'Richmond Second Hand' while catching a souvlaki in between sets at a secret Living End gig at the Corner Hotel. 'Mate I was sifting through all this crap like the last Tex Perkins record, when I saw what looked like a Keith Richards solo record, and found this beauty - TALK IS CHEAP by Terry Wallace. It was only 5 bucks!'

Wallace has gone underground since the insipid defeat to Carlton, and ridiculous call to keep Ben Cousins on the park whilst carrying an injury. On closer inspection of the record seems to say what Wallace can't. With song titles like 'Don't take it so hard', 'Struggle' and 'Make no mistake' we wonder if he might pull this lost masterpiece out of his cupboard as a pre-game warm-up to get his forlorn players motivated against a primed Geelong at Ford Stadium next week.

Cousins Requests Media Ban on Season Opener

Still shattered after being forced to grant Channel 10 an interview on the eve of the season opener, the increasingly precious Ben Cousins has requested that Channel 10 not film him during Thursday night’s game. His manager, Ricky ‘tram rammer’ Nixon was left with the job of explaining this startling request.

“Ben Cousins just wants to be left alone to work through his recovery and play football. We don’t think its helpful for him to be subjected to such intense media scrutiny and I think it’s a bit much for him to be expected to play footy with upwards of 12 TV cameras following his every more.”

When asked how fans were supposed to follow the game on TV if the cameras were banned from the game Nixon admitted there were some problems to work through.

“Clearly there will have to be compromise on both sides, I am merely stating Cousins’s starting position as he relayed it to me at 3.00am this morning. Obviously there will be a few people who might want to watch the other 43 players running around and we are working through that issue. Maybe Cousins could take the field in a tent ala Libby Trickett at her wedding. Or maybe the fans could wait for his documentary to come out which I know will contain footage of the match. Look, it might be as simple as him being kitted out in attire that will let him remain anonymous. These are details we will have to work through with the AFL, the AFLPA and Channel 10. Now if you excuse me I have a tram to catch...”

Never in recent memory has a match between two such mediocre clubs been so keenly anticipated and as footy fans we can only hope that some sort of reasonable compromise will be reached. Cousins' documentary, The Agony and the Ecstasy – My Awesome Footballing Life is expected to be released later this year.

Dipper resolves Middle East crisis with beer

Peace ambassador Robert 'Dipper' DiPierdomenico hits the the UN bar with an Irish diplomat.


In the lead up to the 2009 AFL season Channel 7 compensated those footy fans without a Friday night watering hole, with Essence of the Game. An epic documentary that traversed continents, competitions, clubs and finally taste, Essence of the Game, ritually slaughtered the best understated qualities of Australian Rules, such as unspoken camaraderie, graceful feats of athleticism and brutal physicality and replaced it, at every chance with bromides of nostalgia, indulgent mythos and the disastrous emoting of Shane Crawford. His voiceover, recorded for naturalistic effect could not have been more artificial.

Neo-liberal values to its core, ambition beyond its feeble grasp, Essence of the Game played like a celluloid enema. In short it had Bruce McAvaney’s paw prints all over it.

Footy rivalries from the suburbs to the country were depicted in this adventurous chronicle that at times suggested one of those sprawling WWII sagas that suffer under the weight of its distracting ensemble cast. Talk about The Longest Day.

The producers had even paid a cameraman to go out to West Coburg. Random images of bored spectators were spliced together with the conflicts taking place on the ground, which, if you’ve ever been to West Coburb, resembles more of corridor than an oval. It makes Glenferrie look like Subiaco. It’s a proud club with equally striking supporters. Anyone who has ever attended a West Coburb game knows what I mean. And if you ever find yourself near Melville Road on a Saturday afternoon you’ll find a real fan with more to say of interest than any of the network free-to-air boundary riders. His name is Cranky and he was nowhere to be seen in Essence of the Game.

Perhaps the nadir or highlight of the program, depending on whether you too lost your weed supply in the Victorian bushfires, came with the footage of the Peace Team, whose fearsome line up in the World Cup series comprised the combined forces of Palestine and Israel. The mastermind behind this operation was Dipper, that diplomat of Middle Eastern foreign policy. Having not scored for three quarters against a Great Britain side which was a modest 145 points to the good, Peace Team, seem unable to click as a cohesive unit. What could it be? Is it lack of height in the backline? Maybe it’s their deficiency in forward 50 entries? At the behest of the coach who would likely eat the elephant in the room rather than acknowledge it, Peace Team are encouraged during a less than inspiring final huddle, to score – at any cost. Dipper doesn’t care who it is and how it’s done. He’ll even buy the individual a beer. Team spirit is overrated anyway.

In the tradition for Lou Richards and Jack Dyer, i-footy predicts..

Master G's ladder prediction for 2009.

Only 4 sleeps until the year starts proper ie. footy is back! Once again we all live in hope that
those crappy players that have played nearly 100 games finally get their act together and lay a
crucial tackle, kick a crucial goal or tag out a decent opponent to help win a game. That's all
you can hope for when your team hasn't played finals footy for nearly 10 years, and you have suffered the ignominy of being beaten by lousier but luckier teams over that period of time!

So here it is, my ladder predictions for 2009 (i-footy advises you to not gamble any money based on these predictions and takes no responsibility if you do!)

1. Geelong - as long as they don't smoke too many bongs and over-do the handballs the Cats should still be better than most other teams.

yet, 2. Hawthorn - well their forward line is just too potent, and will be that way for a fair few years, how old is Buddy this year? 22? The mind boggles, but their defence is getting older and fatter, teams will just have to out score them I suppose.

3. Port Adelaide - they got Tredrea and Cornes back and they weren't that far off the beat last year. But don't fear, they'll be shit the next year when those guys retire.

4. Richmond - well Wallace's 5 year plan has now arrived. They have the cattle and an aging core of champions to show the way, as well as 'the smartest coach in the league' Terry Wallace, what can go wrong? Either way this finish is a poisoned chalice. Wallace will get re-signed for a few years for his 'success', Richo and crew will retire, and Richmond supporters will feel like they're back in the 90s, with Wallace still as coach

5. Footscray Bulldogs - I don't rate them but they are better than North and a few other teams.

6. Freo - don't underestimate the most mediocre team in the league. North have been doing it the past few years, so now it's Freo's turn. They have the best ruck and CHF in the league and some pacy new kids could get them up there. They smashed Carlton in a practice match so it's gotta mean something?

7. Adelaide - they are robots and always win enough to make the finals. No doubt they will do it again this year.

8. Carlton - while they don't have the team 'on paper' like Richmond do, their midfield is good enough to win a few games off their own boots except for Fev. They could be top four if guys like Houlihan, Russell, Fisher, Cloke and Hadley get their games on, but still have to beat Sydney, St.Kilda, Adelaide and Geelong to prove 'we are coming'...

9. Collingwood - they will probably engineer their way into the top 4, but I hope they miss out this year just to prove Caroline Wilson right about El-Prez Eddie Maguire and for the bloodthirsty fans to turn on him like some Shakespearian tragedy!

10 . St. Kilda - well the economic downturn will be affecting the price of cocaine in the Southern suburbs, so the swagger will soon turn to torpor, remember these guys have taken on the Swans 'shitfooty' role that has kept them in the 8 with their coach who has to be one of the biggest Bozos in the chair since Damien Drum coached Freo! Hopefully this is the year they start becoming like the 'old St.Kilda' from the 80s!

11. Sydney - whilst they still might 'shit football' their way back into the top 8, I hope they don't, just to bury this era of 'chip-chip' shitfooty-tempo-playing these cocksuckers invented and won a flag with. And I'm still waiting for the Baz Hall Mardi-Gras float!

12. Brisbane - shouldn't have sacked Lethal so early in the piece. They will learn the stupidity of their sun-tanned ways as they become more of a 'one man' team and easier to beat. I'm not shedding any tears!

13. North Melbourne - the 'shinboner' spirit seems ready to crack. Sure they've brought back Australia's favourite wife basher and best mates-wife-bonker - 'the king' Wayne Carey - to help coach them, but teams that live in the past do so coz they don't have a future.

14. Essendon - have gone from looking like cops to playing like cops. They are still dreaming of the Dreamtime via their pacy Aboriginal brigade, but sheesh when they lose Lloyd, Lucas and Fletcher pretty soon, they could very well become the lousiest Victorian team since St.Kilda in the 80s (or Carlton in the 00s!)!

15. West Coast - the come down from nearly a decade of drug highs is still continuing and may take a few more years to fully detox.

16. Melbourne - Joe Gutnick, you're still out there?

TEN GOES UNDERWOOD IN A BID TO MAKE HISTORY

Got wood?

The Ben Cousins media circus pitches its tent at the not-so-hallowed turf of the Docklands Stadium tonight where a capacity crowd and one fast tracked female football commentator will witness the high profile recruit run out for the first time in a match proper for Richmond. Kelli Underwood, the Rosa Parks of AFL media, having refused to languish on the sidelines as a boundary rider, will alongside Bearded Lady, Robert Walls, Pinhead, Stephen Quartermain and Dwarf, Anthony Hudson share her battle weary insights into what it takes to win a premiership, recall the gutbusting toil running sprints in knee deep water during a preseason and what it’s like to crash a car sauced to the eyeballs with members of the Shaw clan.

Underwood, who called the final quarter of an Essendon and Carlton game three years ago for 3AW, the radio station then embroiled in controversy after it was revealed that its star Rex Hunt had been caught performing lewd acts on street walkers in alley ways after his wife recovered from cancer, debuted for the Ten Network last weekend by calling the action of the Adelaide and Geelong NAB Cup encounter.

A poll conducted in The Age, the newspaper that somehow deciphers the crayon scrawl of Collingwood columnist Jake Niall on a weekly basis, supported Underwood’s debut by fixing a poll of its (female) readers 60-40 in favour of Underwood’s performance, a performance that required her to muster words like “sensational,” and turns of phrase such as “offline, for a minor score.”

Rhetoric inspired a copy editor to surmise that the poll results indicated, “how the appearance of women commentators in male sports tends to provoke a reaction.”
The piece did not go on to stipulate what kind of reaction.

The destinies of Cousins and Underwood appear to be somewhat intertwined as both look to reinvent themselves this season. It is not known exactly what roles the two will play in their respective positions tonight or for how long they will be asked to perform.

The history making Underwood, 31, is likely to see more air time as Network 10 unveils its 24 hour digital sports channel later in the year. Luke Darcy has already been confirmed to helm its Netball coverage.

Tim Lane, the “most boring human being in the history of the world,” according to toilet graffiti at the Great Britain Hotel, introduced Underwood prior to her first NAB Cup broadcast as the progeny of a sports loving family and a journalist who had earned her stripes. Although it is not yet known how Underwood earned those same stripes at least we know it wasn’t because her daddy worked in the same industry.

Footage of Essendon recruitment manager leaked

Footage of one of Essendon's high-powered recruiting team who had advised the club against selecting Cyril Rioli in last year's National Draft has been leaked onto the Internet. The video [see below] of the recruitment manager (whose name has been withheld for legal reasons), which can also be accessed from youtube, seems to have been taken somewhere near Flagstaff Station, on Melbourne's underground rail line The Loop.

Rioli, a star in Hawthorn's stunning victory over Geelong in last week's Grand Final, drifted as far as pick #12 at the draft table. Hawthorn recruiting manager Chris Pelchen recalled that he could hardly control his excitement when it came time to read out his club's prized first round selection.

"I tried to stifle my laughter by coughing and I guess I got away with it at the time," he told I-Footy. "It was like being the last kid to put his hand into a mixed bag of lollies at a party and finding that no one has taken the false teeth."

Essendon, who participates in the Dream Time game, an annual celebration of indigenous culture and the contribution of aboriginal footballers to Australian Rules, was thought to have passed on Rioli as the club already had a sufficient quota of highly skilled indigenous footballers such as Leroy Jeter, Andrew Lovett, Alwyn Davey and Paddy Ryder. Rioli, is the nephew of Norm Smith medal winners Maurice Rioli and Michael Long, a former Bomber champion.

Eleven other clubs including Essendon passed on the talented flanker who was nominated for both goal of the year and mark of the year, led the Hawks' tackle count and finished second in the prestigious Rising Star award. Fremantle's Rhys Palmer was declared the winner. The same panel who vote on the rookie award made Cameron Mooney an All Australian in 2007.

Vossy Gives Head Coaching Role a Bash

Michael Voss, a man famous for not accepting the limitations imposed on him by others has instead elected to impose his limitations on the Brisbane Lions football club by accepting the position of head coach.

Monday’s shock resignation of Leigh Matthews left the door open and the triple premiership former captain was quick to abandon his two week old job at West Coast to jamb his foot in the door. A shell shocked Brisbane board, still in a tail spin after a 4th consecutive year of failing to make the finals, duly made the appointment 24hrs later.

It was in 2007 that Voss made his infamous statement about limitations amidst speculations he would apply for a senior coaching role despite not have any experience whatsoever. Ultimately he suffered a crisis of confidence and declined to put his name forward, choosing instead to hone his coaching skills by sitting alongside such luminary football intellects as Anthony Hudson and Robert Walls on the Channel 10 commentary team.

Looking forwards, Voss’ trademark shit eating grin will be tested to its utmost during the 2009 season as he tries to turn around the fortunes of a club that is still overly reliant on the aging stars of its premiership era. Rumour has it that Voss spent the summer coaching his twin daughters Casey and Kayley in their under 12s netball comp. If true, this experience with pre-teen girls could be invaluable in coaxing the best out of players like Travis Johnstone and Ashley McGrath.

For the general football public the appointment of Voss as coach is excellent news. It ensures the Lions will experience a sustained period of mediocrity, and more importantly, viewers won’t have to watch Voss (a man whose neck is even thicker than his head) being stuffed uncomfortably into a tailored suit. Voss will join his fellow ex players in their natural state of dress, the club tracksuit as he faces the press conference explaining another 100 point loss.

Demons dominate nominations, nothing else

Morton not getting carried away

Melbourne earned itself a third nomination for the coveted Rising Star award with Cale Morton, pick number #4 overall in last year's national draft, after he amassed 30 disposals, most of them effective, in Saturday's victory against struggling West Coast at the Melbourne Cricket Ground.

Considered undersized in his first season of AFL, Morton has nevertheless been one of the few shining lights in 2008 for the Demons. West Coast coach John Worsfold could not find an answer to the skinny flanker, after having played most of his seasoned professionals out of position for most of the day.

Morton, nevertheless, did what he liked in a display reminiscent of former Red Leg midfielder Stephen Tingay. Fortunately Morton's display took place during a game.

The youngest of three brothers and the one who looks most interested each and every week, Morton came to the makeshift oval the Demons have been temporarily calling their training base for the past two decades, with big raps last season although Richmond and West Coast both chose to overlook him at the draft table. Alongside Austin Wonaeamirri, voted the second most popular indigenous player in the league (after Essenson's Alwyn Davey) and Colin Garland, an athletic defender not likely to figure in anyone's inspiration reel, Morton represents the next generation of Melbourne's future - a future long promised since Rod Grinter was shown the door.

Meanwhile, older brother of Cale, Mitch Morton delivered one of his better games for the season after he toweled up a lackluster Hawthorn outfit, apparently deterred by the shifting surface of the MCG. According to ladder position Hawthorn are finals bound.

I WAS SET UP - GRANT

North Melbourne bad boy Shannon Grant has accused a woman who goes by the same name of being responsible for the drunken violent outburst which saw a row of portable toilets, some of which were still occupied by patrons, toppled over at a recent family golf day, a packed media throng was told earlier today at Arden Street.

The hushed media contingent which had been asked to huddle into a dugout that doubles for a conference centre at the dilapidated Kangaroos headquarters, were shown damning security footage of a “rotund female” who it is claimed had been drinking excessively for three days at the Richmond Club Hotel before involving herself in a wild bar brawl with one of the hotel’s managers. It is claimed that Miss Grant, 37, of Wheeler’s Hill, then drove down to Ocean Grove where the Kangaroos were thanking sponsors and supporters with an open day at a Golf Course.

The murky footage shows the woman dressed in a Kangaroos Guernsey baring the number “6” the same number Grant wears, pushing over the toilets as if they were “dominos and she was Godzilla,” reporter and closet Kangaroos fanboy Mike Sheahan said.

Grant, whose own form has been ridiculed this season, is understood to have been out late that evening, with former teammate Mick Martyn.

“Hey, so what? Mick’s ugly and needs a wingman to land a girl,” Grant told reporters. “I do what I can even if it takes all night.”

Returning the media back to the video footage, Grant pointed to the woman’s breasts and backside, claiming a contrast between his own aging body and that of Miss Grant. Reporters could not see any.

“Quite clearly,” Grant said, “she is not me and I am not her.”

This is not the first time a case of mistaken identity has caused shockwaves through the football community. Stan Alves, then coaching St. Kilda in 1996, attempted to play Darrel Wakelin, in the place of twin brother Shane, during a home and away game, what’s more, without rhyme or reason. St. Kilda has not won a premiership in 42 years.

HUTCHISON PUT ON NOTICE

'Hutchy'(l) - 'He's lookin' at ya!'

News just to hand: Craig “Hutchy” Hutchison has reportedly been put on notice by Channel Nine, for his untoward behaviour on the hard hitting football panel show Footy Classified. The network, who hired the notorious gutter journalist after he was sacked by rival station Channel 7 in 2005, has reacted strongly to repeated viewer complaints that Hutchison had been “undressing guests with his eyes” a producer from the show who wanted to remain unnamed has revealed to I-Footy.

Hutchison who had been put on notice for “gaze-fucking” late last year has allegedly breached a condition in his newly amended contract, which states:

“Under no circumstances is a panel member to engage with any guest on the show in a manner which suggests physical, verbal or even wordless sexual interest, fascination or perversion.”

It is understood that Hutchison has walked a fine line in recent times by openly flaunting the rule with co-host Garry Lyon, who as an employee does not constitute a breach of the contractual obligation. However, with guest star Nathan Brown in the hot seat this week Hutchison has been accused of “repeated eye-goggling, smirking in a flirtatious manner and indulging in behavior deemed unbecoming of a professional TV personality with a perceived heterosexual profile.”

This represents another humiliating setback in 2008 for Hutchison, who in a bid to boost flagging public interest, shaved his hair in an attempt to conceal a receding hairline an industry stylist referred to as the “Gaza Strip.” A recent poll of 1000 viewers confirmed that over 92% believed the new look was a disaster with another five percent requesting that Hutchison be banned from all media broadcasting.

Meanwhile, co-host Garry Lyon, the former captain of the Melbourne Demons and long time friend of Hutchison has just signed a six-figure deal with the new confectionary label Mustard Jis. Although the terms of the agreement have not yet been finalised it has been confirmed that Lyon will appear in a series of TV and radio advertisements promoting the company’s latest product, an arse-flavoured lollipop.

Richmond sack Miller!

Rabid Tigers fans celebrate!

Scenes of unparalleled jubilation spread across Richmond and Jolimont as the Richmond Football Club fans celebrated the 'controversial' sacking of 'controversial' football-operation manager Greg Miller on the weekend. Miller was off holidaying at Tahiti and checking his investments in the north Melbourne Football Club, and the sacking was 'amicable'. But Tigers fans couldn't be happier, says Muhammed Allah Muhammad from Richmond: "It is with great pride that the Miller aggression is stopped dead! Now we win football, look on weekend. We bit the Bombers and we bit the Lions of Zion! Alla Akbar! Go Tigers! Bowden is great!". Jose Sanchez from East Burnley had other things to say: "I always knew Miller was a bum. All he did was recruit Carey, who turned out a bum and didn't even play for us. Bums attract bums, now to get rid of bloody Richo the bloody bum!"

Noted Miller critic Caroline Wilson wasn't available for comment as she was getting her braces removed.

My team are idiots!

Things that are true about this year's footy season:

1. Essendon are shit
2. Richmond are shitter
3. Melbourne are even shitter
4. Carlton are even shitter than Melbourne.
5. West Coast are shit (yay!)
6. St.Kilda are shit and still won't win a flag!
7. Barracking for Carlton in the 'Naughties' is turning me into Wayne Carey's dad (I drank 1/4 bottle of fake-Absinthe and two Coopers and we still lose)

My team are idiots! *burp* *ar..fuck off ya stupid cunt! rahrahrah etc..etc *

Chocko gesture a dedication to the departed

Chocko waving away a self-delivered pungent odour

Port Adelaide Power coach Mark Williams has thrown down a daunting challenge to the other seven coaches he may do battle with in this year’s AFL finals series. Having out-coached Mark Thompson by psyching out his opposite number in a series of projections concerning the Geelong Football Club and its ticking time bomb forward Cam Mooney, Williams is now directing his attention to the likes of John Worsfold, Adrian Clarkson and Mick Malthouse, all of whom he reckons he can “mindfuck at his leisure” in September.

The Cats, whose 14 game winning streak was brought to an end last week at Kardinia Park where the Power pinched the game while they’re travelling supporters pinched wallets, have had their season thrown into turmoil by the anachronistic trash talking of Chocko. Williams who has little respect for his peers has been known to spit in the mirror, sometimes on match day.

“He’s a man possessed right now,” said a Port trainer who wanted to remain unidentified. “Last time we won the premiership he spat at his own image just before the big one.”

After the victory over the Brisbane Lions Williams was seen posing to the crowd, clutching at his necktie to mock knockers who had labelled his team for the previous four years as chokers who couldn’t cut it under the pressure of finals. It has been revealed, however, that the gesture was in fact a tribute to Williams’ late friend Michael Hutchence. According to the Port trainer Williams hadn’t had the appropriate forum in which to dedicate the inspiration he had channelled from the late INXS frontman.

“A full house really brought it out of him” the trainer said. “For years he had motivated the players with the album Kick and got nothing. He didn’t play it that day. Hell that’s why Damian Hardwick was so angry in the first quarter. Mark felt he owed it to Hutch when they won. After all sometimes people are more conspicuous by their absence rather than their presence.”

Gould no longer angry over Wenham movie

Channel Nine NRL commentator Phil Gould has finally reconciled the fact that he will never be as iconic as Ray ‘Rabbits’ Warren. Gould was said to have acknowledged the fact while unwinding during the week with the AFI award winning movie The Boys.

In the 1998 movie starring David Wenham, Anthony Hayes who plays the younger brother of a violent brood of western suburbs Sydney scumbags improvises a memorable take on Warren’s hyper-excited commentary, what’s more, reciting a passage of play bound to bring tear to the eye of most diehard Balmain supporters. So impressed was Gould by the ‘bit’ he approached The Boys co-star John Polson who is also the founder of Tropfest, the largest short film contest in the Southern Hemisphere. It is believed that Gould asked Polson to do the same for him in a movie. Polson, having no talent, could not accommodate Gould who when in full flight with a microphone has been known to scare small children and Nine sideline commentator Matthew Johns.

Despite this Polson and Gould are now collaborating on a short film that Gould has written and plans to act in. Polson at this stage is slated to direct.

The former NSW coach and Penrith legend had been working on a project for several years a bartender at the Rooty Hill RSL where Gould drinks, claimed.

“Gus began writing a novel but then Sophie Lee sort of stole his thunder there” the barkeep said. “So he’s taking the best scenes and turning them into a narrative short.”

Known to talk shit for hours to anyone who will listen, Gould, it is estimated, has compiled over 150 hours of material dictated into a digital recorder. Much of it is rumoured to be about Warren, who Gould has become “somewhat obsessed with” an industry insider told I-Footy. It is believed that the infatuation prompted Warren to question Gould’s humanity on air during last Friday night clash between West Tigers and Sydney City in which the Roosters won in extra time.

“Some of us are only human” Warren said. “But I don’t know about you Phil.”

Warren is justified in asking the question given the lurid content of Gould’s film. Titled Always Bet on Water Getting Wet, the short is an apparent analogy for the deteriorating relationship of the two Nine commentators and something of a vanity project. Here is an excerpt faxed to I-Footy by an anonymous source:

OVER BLACK
A heartbeat is audible and rises in volume.

Fade-in: The camera moves into a light tower at the Sydney Football Stadium, where Gus, at first only a freckle against the horizon, surveys the city of Sydney. A cape billows behind the crouched figure, who is an image of stoicism, wisdom and primal sexuality. The camera continues to circle Gus from above.

GUS
(V/O)
In a city of six million people one
man served them like no other. He
captured their dreams, their fears and
tears like no other: That man’s name
was Gus. There is no one like him.

Cut to:

INT. HOUSE – DAY
The camera creeps down a corridor towards a bedroom. Gus sits on the edge of the bed talking to his trusty sidekick, a emerald green python.

GUS
You my old friend who has walked between
fire and ice with me in many battles, some of
them won, others lost, shall never abandon me.

The camera moves below Gus’s guts to reveal that the python doubles as his penis and vice versa. It coils around his waist and back again its tongue hissing the whole time.

Crossfade: The hissing becomes French fries cooking in hot oil at a diner. Sam Backo sits patiently reading the paper as Gus enters.

BACKO
You’re late.

GUS
(Sitting)
Look I don’t take these meetings lightly nor
for that matter should you. It’s about commitment
isn’t it Sam? It’s about commitment and the will to
survive. Do you realise I have a five foot long Daintree
Rain Forest Python for a penis? No? Do you know what
kind of responsibility comes with that? No? Be careful
what you wish for Backo!

Gus stands and whips out the python. Backo shovels a spoon of gravy into his mouth laconically. Fear registers on the faces of the diner’s patrons.

GUS
Every one get on the goddamn floor!

McAvaney goes five minutes without annoying rhetoric

Straight out of the horse's mouth - CLE-VAR!

During last Sunday’s anticlimactic grudge match between Essendon and Hawthorn at the Melbourne Cricket Ground, the site of both team’s brutal rivalry in three consecutive grand finals between 1983-1985, Bruce McAvaney while heading the broadcast of the game for Channel Seven, lasted nearly five whole minutes without asking a rhetorical question of his co-commentators or viewers. Furthermore, for what must be the only time in his career as a football broadcaster, McAvaney was critical of the umpires. Early market research suggests viewers have warmed to the more heterosexual image cultivated of late by McAvaney.

Noted for injecting ‘special’ and ‘clever’ into individually inspired passages of play, McAvaney is also an overbearing killjoy whose Family First-like positivism induces rhetoric in the form of questions he asks of others without there being any discernible call for an answer. “Hasn’t he been good this quarter?” is one such example. Other variations include, “Don’t you just love his game?”

According to the official I-Footy time clock, McAvaney went four minutes and fifty-one seconds (4.51) on Sunday without articulating a rhetorical question. During the unparalleled interval, however, David Schwartz, who has taken the concept of special comments to a new sphere, decided to take up the slack by indulging in a barrage of “wasn’t it? and isn’t it? and don’t you thinks?” Even McAvaney sounded vaguely disgusted.

To date Schwartz’s main achievement in the media is having stood by and calmly watched an obviously disorientated Justin Kositchke slowly collapse like a felled red oak on live national television. Schwartz, who claimed that the microphone in his hand impeded his ability to assist the concussed St. Kilda ruckman from further worsening the brain damage he had incurred under former coach Grant Thomas, has since been more proactive as a media presenter.

The same can’t be said of Denis Cometti. Since moving from the Nine Network his deadpan humour has been largely lost on his cohorts. A leaked memo during the preseason competition quoted a Seven Football executive, who firmly believed “Bruce was like kryptonite to Denis.” Evidence does little contradict the executive.

Already this season, the usually accurate Cometti has seen fit to describe Greg Tivendale as a “normally accurate kick”. What’s more in round seven he made mention of the number of possessions Ryan Houlihan had amassed in a game without following it up with the word “ineffective.” Watch this space for updates on Cometti’s pending meltdown.

Doggies skipper sues Hollywood heartthrob

Johnno B Goode

In an unprecedented week of legal turmoil involving AFL footballers and celebrities it has been revealed to I-Footy that Western Bulldogs captain Brad Johnson has brought a lawsuit against contemporary big screen icon Matt Damon. The two, who became close while Damon was in Melbourne scouting locations for The Bourne Ultimatum, have fallen out after it has been claimed that “subtle use of Johnson’s shit-eating grin by Damon in Ocean’s Thirteen infringes on a word-of-mouth agreement shared by the former friends” a New York tribunal heard today.

The case is being built around what insiders are calling Damon’s “illegal use of Johnson’s happy-go-lucky image” which, has itself, been tested in recent times after the Bulldogs slumped to a series of losses and a draw at their home ground, Telstra Dome. Former Bulldogs midfielder Angelo Petraglia told an empty press conference at Werribee Oval where he often drinks, that the club had been concerned with their media image ever since several players agreed to appear in a TV advertisement with no foreseeable or redeeming qualities.

“I know I have nothin’ to do with the club anymore but I watch TV” Petraglia said. “Those Peter Jackson ads are abysmal and it has been reflected in the form of the boys this year.”

With exception to Ryan Hargreave whose own 2007 form has miraculously improved, the other cast members to appear in the advertisement have been close to woeful especially during games telecast on free-to-air TV. Daniel Giansiracusa, Jordan McMahon, Adam Cooney and Daniel Cross have even stooped to using the insipid whoring of their image on TV as an excuse for the Western Bulldogs recent poor performances. Petraglia wasn’t having any of it.

“I mean c’mon, Collingwood made that Rexona ad last year and it made The Castle look watchable” he said. “Either way Malthouse hasn’t let it drag them down and they’re going to play finals this season which is something you can’t say of us.”

Rumours that the league had secretly been witch hunting bad actors since the early ‘80s have also resurfaced. Petraglia refused to deny that an official inquiry into “soulless theatrics” was likely by year’s end.

“No one remembers Brian Wilson right?” Petraglia said. “Forget the Beach Boys nutter, the number seven at Melbourne when I played was the worst performer in front of either a camera or umpire for a long, long time.”

Wilson, whose reputation for hamming it up was legend in underground AFL circles, was widely regarded as the grandfather to the modern movement of the diving goal square goon now personified by the likes of Matthew Lloyd. Other actors schooled in this technique include Kayne Pettifer at Richmond and the entire Fremantle forward line.

Despite the Bulldogs sitting outside the top eight the Peter Jackson commercials continue to screen to critical disapproval. Writing in The Monthly Helen Garner called the five-minute long segments, “dull and devoid of charisma.” Age reviewer Jim Schembri, however, disagreed, noting that the vernacular use of “Gia” and “Jordy” expressed a special male bonding that was “missing from my life.”

Sources closer to the club were not yet swayed by the critics. In a recent poll asked of Vietnamese loitering outside the Western Oval, four out of five of the young men quizzed on the spot said they never read Schembri despite his blatant populist leanings. Even so, Petraglia wants the TV spots pulled before the Bulldogs have their own Jonathan Hay on their hands.

“You would have thought they were smoking the Peter Jackson’s” Petraglia said. “ the way they get around. There’s nothing like a well dressed loser either. Have you seen the gear Ian Healy gets around in?”

Meanwhile the Johnson vs Damon suit has taken on another twist after it was revealed that Damon had also got drunk at Crown Casino with prominent St. Kilda defender Leigh Fischer during his short visit to Melbourne. Forensics were analysing evidence suggesting that Fischer’s physiognomy was far closer in resemblance to Damon’s rather than Johnson’s. I-Footy will update the situation as news comes to hand.

Leigh Fisher's been to Bali too

Narkle helmet goes to hell and back

Former St. Kilda rover, Phil Narkle, a regular cult hero to the throng at Moorabbin in the mid ‘80s has had his crash helmet, long thought to have disappeared, finally returned. The reinforced rubber and latex item was located after an agonising search which lasted several months - in an especially ruinous condition.

Colour co-ordinated in red, white and black to match the Saints guernsey, the protective headgear Narkle wore in an injury ravaged 48 game career at Linton Street was recently auctioned off, for an undisclosed amount, to raise money for the W.A. based former champion. Unbeknownst to Narkle and his manager Doug Matera, the helmet, which former St. Kilda winger Geoff ‘Joffa’ Cunningham once told Scott Palmer had “magical powers” was sold privately to an anonymous buyer rather than offered as was originally intended for public bidding where it may have fetched twice as much.

Matera, who claims to be a third cousin of West Coast’s enigmatic forward pocket Wally, said the piece was found in an art exhibition staged by musician Luke Steele who fronts the popular group Sleepy Jackson.

“It was embossed in taffeta and being displayed as an ‘artefact of lost fashion” Matera recalled with disgust. “The guy is quoted in a Ben Lee song for Christsake.”

The exhibition held in the seaside Perth suburb of Scarborough combined video installations, pop art and found objects. Labelled “shithouse” by Dave Hickey, a passer by, who had entered the space under the impression it was a Peep Show, the exhibition failed to secure any buyers.

Hickey, no relation to the Las Vegas based teacher and writer, said that a $2 neon sign hanging in the window of the gallery had fooled him into thinking he was in for an entirely different form of show.

“They had whores in there all right” Hickey recalled. “Just not the type you want to give your hard-earned to.”

Matera and Narkle are currently seeking legal advice on what they claim as being "earnest desecration of a sacred indigenous Australian object". Compensation for damages were also being sought by the pair.

Narkle, recruited from Swan Districts (and a member of their team of the century), crossed from the Saints to West Coast where he played out his career. Around this time he unsuccessfully sued a fellow AFL footballer, whose identity can’t be disclosed, over what Narkle perceived as copyright infringement for use of the nickname “magic”.

After deliberating for several seconds, Judge Colin Judge (brother of Hawthorn star Ken) ruled in favour of the defence counsel after it had established that over 6,000 indigenous footballers around the globe “had either used or been branded with the moniker of ‘magic’ during their long or brief Australian Rules careers.”

Matera refused to comment on whether the “magical powers” of the recently found helmet were connected to Narkle’s nickname. He did, however, claim that the value of the item had been “diminished considerably” after the exhibition.

“Look, Steele’s put his painted fingernails all over it” Matera said. “It’s safe to say it’s worthless now.”

Matera would not say whether Narkle’s Swan Districts headgear would be auctioned off in the near future.

Kouta's 'Bustinest' Moves!

OK, so we had a bit of a laugh at Kouta's Souvlaki Hut, but here are some higlights from Kouta's stellar career, as reported by our Middle-East correspondent, Charlie:


1995
Grand Final – Carlton v Geelong
The Blues dominated the 1995 season like few other teams in AFL history. The Blues dropped just two matches for the season and were rarely threatened by the Cats in a one-sided Grand Final. Koutoufides had 19 possessions at half-time. Voted second-best afield behind Norm Smith Medallist Greg Williams, the 22-year-old finished the grand final with 31 possessions and eight marks. ED: Kouta shows what he can do to Pussies!

1996
Round five – Carlton v West Coast
Carlton and West Coast played a classic match at Princes Park with the Blues prevailing by one point thanks to one of the greatest individual efforts of all time. Koutoufides finished the game with 35 possessions and 18 marks, none more important than his desperate grab right at the end, deep in the Eagles’ forward line.

His performance prompted Blues coach David Parkin to say, “I think we would have had awful trouble winning the game without him”. ED : Proof that Greek athleticism will conquer drugs everytime!

1999
Round 17 – Carlton v Collingwood
“When I was playing my best football, I was playing in the midfield and basically staying there all day.” Well the Blues selectors took Kouta’s advice and played him in the middle against the Pies. Although Simon Beaumont stole the headlines kicking eight goals before half-time, the key battle was waged between Kouta and Nathan Buckley. Neither player claimed outright dominance – Koutoufides had 34 possessions and Buckley 31 – but it did reiterate that Kouta’s best position was in the midfield. ED: The great Melbourne suburban war : The Bogens vs. The Wogs.

1999
Preliminary final – Carlton v Essendon
Blues supporters love to remind Bombers fans about 1999's second-last Saturday in September. Odds-on flag favourite Essendon was beaten by the narrowest of margins following an inspirational final quarter from Kouta. The midfielder was everywhere, booting two goals and dragging down match-defining marks. He took a big grab in the forward 50m and converted midway through the term and bobbed up moments later to put the Blues in front by seven points. Match commentator Gerard Healy summed it up best: “They’ve got to match up Kouta here. He could rip their hearts out”. ED: IT's always fantastic to do it 'Greek style' with a waterlogged Sherrin to the Bummers!

2000
Round 11 – Carlton v Kangaroos
In round eight in 2000, against the Swans, Kouta notched up a career-high 39 possessions. But it was his explosive third quarter which caught the eye. He collected 14 disposals and seven marks for the term which helped turn a 12-point half-time lead into a 50-point margin at the final change. His most celebrated performance for the season, however, was in round 11 when he went one-on-one with Wayne Carey. Kouta won the duel, kicking five goals and gathered 38 possessions. TV commentator Kevin Bartlett said during the match “How many Koutoufides’ are playing today?” ED: Carey was still on a high after fucking his best mate's wife, and not quite fancying Kouta's

2001
Round eight – Carlton v Brisbane
One of the main reasons why 2001 premiers Brisbane lost this match was because of Koutoufides’ dominance. The Carlton champion had another “triple double” match with 17 kicks, 19 handballs and 11 marks to his name. Playing in the midfield, Kouta’s opponents included gifted onballers Michael Voss and Chris Scott. ED: Unfortunately that was the last time we beat the Bears :(

2003
Round 20 – Carlton v St Kilda
In 2003, Koutoufides played every match of the season and finished second in the Blues' best-and-fairest count. The round 20 match was his best match in terms of possessions - 19 kicks and 15 handballs. Yet his most important contribution in 2003 was his 31 possessions against Richmond, which helped the Blues secure a narrow
victory and avoid the dreaded wooden-spoon. ED: Well someone had to do it, coz Pagan defintely couldn't!

2004
Round 22 – Carlton v Collingwood
Although his posession total was low – 22 – his performance showed glimpses of his former magic. A pack mark early in the match was reminiscent of his commanding marks in the final quarter of the 1999 preliminary final. He also kicked a long, booming goal that matched the feats of his career-best season of 2000. ED: Every time you beat Collingwood, 1000 starving children are saved in Africa, and Greenhouse emissions are cut by 27 mega-tonnes.

And in the words of rabid fan, Athos Mousoulakis 'KOUTAMAN YOUR A LEGEND!'

KOUTA at his one-handed best. The gretest Greek-god-of-footy of all-time!

Tanks are the best defense

Tanks are the best defense

In one of the strangest press-conferences in the history of the AFL, Carlton president and billionaire businessman Dick Pratt denied the rumours that his side were 'tanking' late in the season in order to gain a priority pick. In a gallant effort, the Blues outclassed Collingwood for 3 and 3 quarters, in what should have been a one-sided affair that such a 'flag favourite' should have easily won by 10 goals. The Pies valiantly rallied home when 'gun' forward Anthony Rocca suddenly find a rare show of fitness and kicked four goal in the final term, much the the Jihadic ecstasy of the Collingwood faithful.

And despite the Carlton-Collingwood rivalry being nearly as great and spiteful as that one in the Middle-East, Pratts comments were defintely from left-field. 'You know, I give millions to Israel, and why not, they are my tribe and have been f___d over for centuries. When you are surrounded by terrorists and guerrilla 'armies' that make Collingwood supporters seem civilised and are born to annihilate you - tanks are you best defense. You remember 'Operation Shredder'? Well look it up in your dictionary next time.” With those cryptic words, Pratt swiftly left the press conference, but had these parting words: "..at least Ratts is doing a better job than Pagan!"

Flamboyant Collingwood cheer squad identity 'Joffa' was unfortunately not available for comment.

Hudson to forge ahead despite hate mail

Channel Ten football anchorboy Anthony Hudson will continue to helm match day coverage despite being inundated with negative mail calling for his immediate dismissal. Hudson who crossed to television football commentary after partnering Rex Hunt on 3AW, refused to comment on the situation although a source close to his manager agreed to talk to I-Footy.

“Anthony hasn’t been perturbed by the barrage of hate mail he has received” the source said. “He’s been used to it for some time now.”

Letters and faxes began steadily accumulating at Ten’s Sports Department when 10 won a share of the AFL broadcast rights.

Hudson, who had not even been hired yet, was informed of a tonne of paper sitting outside the office he was allocated on his first day at work. The source said Hudson’s in-tray hadn’t been empty ever since.

“Some of it is quite constructive” the source said. “There’s plenty of people out there who can’t afford Foxtel.”

Initially hired for an observed ‘versatility coupled with youth market appeal’, Hudson was to head football commentary with Stephen Quartermain and co-host Before the Game with Peter Hellier. After a verbal altercation with Dave Hughes Hudson was soon demoted from the live show for a more youthful Andy Maher.

Not known to back away from pointing out the obvious, Hudson, according to the source, had told Hughes to drop the workingman routine.

“Hudson told him, ‘look you’re a multimillionaire with a vacant hot girlfriend and you hang with Rove. Knock off the blue collar shit’” the source quoted Hudson as having said.


Network heavyweights were disapproving enough of Hudson’s ‘attack’ to downgrade his profile to a level comparable to Michael Christian’s. It is thought that the growing pile of diatribes viewers were sending in failed to help Hudson’s cause.

“Anthony didn’t have any friends in school” the source said. “Man, anyone prepared to use ‘he goes long and strong’ as their catchcry has got some unresolved issues. People pick up on that. Some sooner than others.”